Andy's Blog

I wake up in the morning and it’s there, and it’s there as I take myself to bed at night.. plus all points in between.  Even when there’s an opportunity to put the whole business behind me, just for an evening, it decides to make its presence known and to scupper those plans.

Rather amusingly somebody once said, in a concerned tone, that they hoped I wasn’t ignoring it.  Would that I could.

There is no ignoring it, there’s no rest, there’s no respite.

Yes, I’m on a complete downer today and quite frankly feeling very sorry for myself.. and angry.  The cures no better and as someone once remarked;  The only time killing yourself in millimetres is the best option, considering the alternative…

I will bounce back, but for now allow me to wallow in a little self pity and feelings of belligerence about all the things it has made me give up.

…of course “wallowing” involves loud angry music and hitting the troozDojo to try and at least put some effort into the one thing I have some semblance of control over.

Sunday was very much a “Grand Ol’ Duke of York” day; When I was up, I was up.  When I was down, I was down.  Today I’m neither up nor down.  I was going to title this post “Four seasons in one day, part II” for pretty much the same reasons as the original post.  A rollercoaster of emotions varying from pain, joy, sadness and pride although not necessarily in that order.

The joy of seeing my fellow karate-ka progressing to their next level, especially all the new brown belts, was tinged slightly with the realisation that I wasn’t going to be able to make my own progression.

Despite eminently wise words from Sensei, and other friends, about priorities; one can’t but feel that the ‘ongoing buggerage’ has won this little round just before I deal with it ultimately.  As noted to my Sensei, “at least it gives me more time to practice my sanseru and sepai“.  Although truth be told my heart really wasn’t in it.

I think, if nothing else, the two weeks “off” I’ll be having will give me time to charge up the ol’ batteries.  I have already started to fill up my media player with an almost obscene amount of musical tracks and the kindle is starting to groan under the weight of books that have been loaded on there.

It’s also good to know that friends “have your back” and that if nothing else things will be ticking along whilst I’m not there.  The hugs have been rather lovely too :¬)

I won’t be online though.  Recently, and I mean very very recently, it’s almost been too hard to keep things in check; grading, as I said, was too much of a rollercoaster – and funnily enough I think Sensei was very much aware of that fact… as did my tough love guardian angel (as always)!

you can’t go on thinking nothing’s wrong
who’s gonna drive you home tonight?

The answer, as always, is ultimately “me”, but you can’t help but wonder somtimes…

Well apparently my last post was a “little too much information” for some people, and I have the sore ear to prove this, although I think it still serves as a good reference point for all budding future male karate do practitioners… go figure!

That apart I have the uncomfortable feeling that I really haven’t moved any further forward from where I was a few weeks back, I may have even moved backwards on a few items, which is a buggarage and all of which is making me even less fun company to be with than usual.

Introspection is all well and good for a hormone overdosed teenager, who feels the whole world is against them, but for a forty *cough* year old it can be a little ridiculous, but here we are.  Turn up, do what’s expected of you; smile, laugh, practise, teach, drink, chat …. leave quietly.   All without actually being there in mind or spirit.

I am missing not having a motorbike at the moment, taking very long, very fast rides to nowhere.  In my mispent youthdom, when in the same type of mood (when it wasn’t a ridiculous age to be as introspective) this was my favourite form of escape… at least for a little while.

Now I have a blog, a large music collection and a hidy-hole where I can be anti-social to my heart’s content.  I think that’s progress?

……also I do worry that Creed, 3 Doors Down, Daughtry, Theory Of A Deadman, Seether and Stone Sour are not the sort of tunes to help my teenage regression… but DAMN! There’s some damn fine lyrics in there and is at least helping me to figure out some future blog post titles.

Arse Feck Drink!

You know what? I am bored of this now; the ups ‘n downs, the no-news, the unwelcome news and all the bits in between.  I am tired of writing about it, almost as much as you are reading about it.. probably.

I am supposed to be at Karate now, getting my unfit body dragged and beaten up around a School hall somewhere in Northamptonshire, and I was all but there… instead I am now here in a foul mood and desperately trying not to drag this post down into a long list of anglo-saxon, and some exciting newly invented, words.

Quite frankly everybody has an “It” of their own without me adding to the It’iness of it all.  So henceforth “It” shall not be getting any more column space on this little irrelevant corner of the T’interweb unless it’s a post with a title along the lines of “So long and thanks for all the fish”.

That of course may change as I am a man of short memory and whimsical nature, and this is my blog and I’ll whine if I want to – to paraphrase Barbara Gaskin

I don’t want to name it, cos then it gives it power, but I can still hate it for what it’s doing; It’s taking my hair, slowly but inexorably.  It’s making my joints ache.  It’s making it more difficult to stir the carcass from the vertical to the horizontal in the mornings.  It’s making my teeth hurt.

Surprisingly it’s giving the words in my head the wrong directions to my mouth.  The words are there, I can hear them in my head, but they just refuse to make an appearance when either the mouth opens or fingers strum away at the keyboard.

It’s making me a miserable git; I actually found myself giving the local co-op manager a dressing down last night when I found that they had demoted the milk to an obscure corner of the shop, in pitiful quantities, in favour of a MOUNTAIN of Easter Eggs.. of Everest-like proportions!

Oh shit, I am turning into my Dad!

To say it “only takes” is a little disingenuous as it also gives; My body now has a surprisingly large repertoire of noises it is now able to make; cracks, snaps, clicks, poots, groans, etc, etc…  There’s also a wide range of pharmaceutical products upon which I can now prevail myself of.

A cousin asked, after I posted a previous blog post, whether a Therapist had told me to write these things.  No, but it does gives me the ability to “Shout obscenities at the moon” for a little while… An essentially useless past-time but it does make me feel a little better afterwards.

I don’t think I’ll broadcast this little postette, as it’s not something I particularly want to advertise, but it’s there if you look – which you obviously have… Just keep it between ourselves eh?

Not firing at one hundred percent at the moment, which is really rather annoying.

It’s always said that the things that matter most are hard won but easily lost, and this seems to be happening somewhat frequently with only one thing constant; yours truly.  So the blame seems to lie in one place only and am not entirely sure what to do about that.

In the meantime the goal of nearly 5 years hard, and sometimes frustrating, work is starting to look like it may be achievable.

Nothing is ever guaranteed, of course, but as Lao Tzu wrote; “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step”.  So time to put one, solitary, foot in front of the other and see whether this now personal journey gets me to where I want to go..

..minus those hard won and easily lost.

I don’t often leave my mobile on when I go to bed, but I’m glad I did.

I don’t often get calls at 3am, but I’m grateful for my friends insomnia and good sense to make that call.

I don’t often knock on strangers doors in the wee small hours of the morning, but desperation is a compelling motivator.

I don’t often drive around Northampton as the sun slowly starts to uncover its landmarks, but I couldn’t just sit and hope for the best.

I don’t often ask my sister to do something that I wouldn’t do, but somebody had to stay at home and  man the phones – even if it meant at times all she could do was sit and hope.

I don’t often cry, but all the fear, tension and tiredness couldn’t be contained as I saw you moving on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance.

I don’t think I’ve ever told, but life would be so much less without you.  Don’t do that again!

There’s a mental image running around my head that would speak far more volumes than any number of words could convey in how things are at the moment.  Sometimes, and only sometimes, words are easy

…but not enough.. or way too much.

I’ve spoken before about how a song, a snippet of lyrics taken out of context, an image, or some other medium, provide a far more accurate and personal reflection of self at a point in time.

I won’t try and put into words what the mental image is, inoffensive as it is, as that seems counter intuitive. Maybe later, when I have some personal time, I will search for something that matches it on the big, bad, t’interweb… or, god forbid, put my artistic abilities to the test and actually translate from mental image to physical medium.

Until then I’ll share one of the ‘lyrics out of context’, that I mentioned earlier.  It’s from a song by Madness and perversely it’s probably the one bit that makes the song sound darker than it’s actual intent – which is exactly the opposite;

Standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.

If I ever do manage to scribble the image down I’ll make sure to add it to the blog… maybe.  However now seems a perfect time to plug in some headphones, hit ‘random’ on the playlist, and see if I can either create some new audible monuments or just lose self in the moment.

…not a unique sentiment at the moment!

In a particularly low point at the moment, so have decided to wallow in some self pity and retrospective angst.  I think I’m turning into a Goth, or worse, my sister when she was a teenager!  (..that particular joke will have some severe repercussions).

My karate, as with other things, has stalled.  Despite putting in what I feel is 100%, the execution seems to fall far short of the expected standard and the appearance of going backwards more than forwards is somewhat disheartening.

Maybe it’s just a recurrence of what a good friend once called “Blue belt blues”.

T’would seem my old managers favourite dictum, muttered every pay and bonus review time, has come back to haunt; “Remember, Andy, that 100% of nothing is still nothing”.

Wallowing, angst and other inglorious forms of self pity will of course be accompanied by some very loud music, in the Marilyn Mansun and Iron Maiden flavours methinks, and occassionally interspersed with some comedy genius.

…buggar!  Still not sorted this out either!

Well, I didn’t think it possible, but the week has ended more shittily than it started! So on top of the heightened levels of fucked off, confused and unhappy we can now add being made to feel like a fool..

..I just can’t wait until next week to see what that brings!