…but not enough.. or way too much.

I’ve spoken before about how a song, a snippet of lyrics taken out of context, an image, or some other medium, provide a far more accurate and personal reflection of self at a point in time.

I won’t try and put into words what the mental image is, inoffensive as it is, as that seems counter intuitive. Maybe later, when I have some personal time, I will search for something that matches it on the big, bad, t’interweb… or, god forbid, put my artistic abilities to the test and actually translate from mental image to physical medium.

Until then I’ll share one of the ‘lyrics out of context’, that I mentioned earlier.  It’s from a song by Madness and perversely it’s probably the one bit that makes the song sound darker than it’s actual intent – which is exactly the opposite;

Standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.

If I ever do manage to scribble the image down I’ll make sure to add it to the blog… maybe.  However now seems a perfect time to plug in some headphones, hit ‘random’ on the playlist, and see if I can either create some new audible monuments or just lose self in the moment.

…not a unique sentiment at the moment!

There is something deeply satisfying to me when the fogs of December come rolling in, especially in the early evenings, and the street lights flicker into life and cast the scenery with eerie punctuations of light and shadow.

I am also at my most reflective during these shadowed evenings, especially with all the dramas of life at the moment.  Sometimes just stopping by Abington Park, after karate, pumping up the mood music, opening the doors and taking a calm moment before continuing the journey, is required.

There’s probably a hundred reasons why it’s not a good idea, but there’s just as many as to why it is.  I think next time I try it I’ll source a good cup of java from somewhere.

A trip up to Scotland, especially at this time of year, has been too long a time coming and my batteries are in sore need of some recharging.

My karate, as with other things, has stalled.  Despite putting in what I feel is 100%, the execution seems to fall far short of the expected standard and the appearance of going backwards more than forwards is somewhat disheartening.

Maybe it’s just a recurrence of what a good friend once called “Blue belt blues”.

T’would seem my old managers favourite dictum, muttered every pay and bonus review time, has come back to haunt; “Remember, Andy, that 100% of nothing is still nothing”.

Wallowing, angst and other inglorious forms of self pity will of course be accompanied by some very loud music, in the Marilyn Mansun and Iron Maiden flavours methinks, and occassionally interspersed with some comedy genius.

…buggar!  Still not sorted this out either!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ag8J2NMYmc

Methinks I will need to seek some guidance from my learned colleagues on this one, in a discrete but painfully embarrassing (for me anyways) manner.

….and no, this is not anything serious, just cause-n-effect mitigation!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S58DZCqfZZo

“Someday” indeed..

Songs have a powerful influence on all of us and we choose our own soundtrack to reflect that which we feel important, highlighting defining periods in our lives.  Revisiting those audible monuments does sometimes give you pause to reflect and wonder at what was, could have been, will be..

Listening to “Again”, by Archive, and appreciating the lyrics as well as the mood generated by the music.  I am an absolute sucker for guitar and drum heavy music, and as blogged about not so long ago, this one still has the ability to give pause.

“..now you get me down” to complete the lyrics began in this posts title.

Good times, bad times, shameful times, and those times where you shone beyond yours, and others, expectations; all are, or should be, encapsulated within their own musical punctuation, usually via an artist or group that seemed to talk to you specifically during that period of your life.

I can’t change those times, I can only revisit them and reflect on the person that they helped develop for better or worse.

I now find myself in the position where I am seeing the seeds of this process starting to develop in my two young boys.  Both of them, and more so the youngest, are beginning to develop their own musical tastes and creating their own ‘audible monuments’ as they grow ever upwards physically and emotionally.

I do wonder how their own internal playlist will sound, and also whether my own musical tastes will influence them as they grow.  We can only watch… and listen…

I managed to win a new iPod Shuffle!  The thing is truly tiny and now takes pride of place as I pursue my increasingly fruitless task of developing a physique….

…although pear-shaped is a physique, it’s not the one I’m really striving for, rather get away from!

So I can now be found bouncing around the gym, with  diddy wee iPod attached to jogging trousers, desperately trying to pump iron to the tunes of Marilyn Mansun, Iron Maiden, Hoobastank, Guns n’ Roses, Nickelback, Rammstein, and many other devils music practitioners.

Now if I could just get rid of this damn cold!  Although on the positive side, going around the gym equipment sneezing, coughing and sniffing and telling the other gym users “I haven’t felt right since Mexico” is getting me on the equipment far quicker than previous outings.

Karate tonight, although I’m sure the same ‘Mexico’ reference will not work quite as well on Sensei!

Sometimes ‘Shuffle’ mode on the iPhone brings up some absolute pearlers, causing you to stop, appreciate and relate to your own personal moment, which is what all great music should do..

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjzP7gjVAyI

Lyrics

You’re tearing me apart
Crushing me inside
You used to lift me up
Now you get me down
If I
Was to walk away
From you my love
Could I laugh again ?
If I
Walk away from you
And leave my love
Could I laugh again ?
Again, again…

You’re killing me again
Am I still in your head ?
You used to light me up
Now you shut me down
If I
Was to walk away
From you my love
Could I laugh again ?
If I
Walk away from you
And leave my love
Could I laugh again ?

I’m losing you again
Like eating me inside
I used to lift you up
Now I get you down

Without your love
You’re tearing me apart
With you close by
You’re crushing me inside
Without your love
You’re tearing me apart
Without your love
I’m dazed in madness
Can’t lose this sadness
I can’t lose this sadness

Can’t lose this sadness

You’re tearing me apart
Crushing me inside
Without your love
(you used to lift me up)
You’re crushing me inside
(now you get me down)
With you close by
I’m dazed in madness
Can’t lose this sadness
It’s riping me apart
It’s tearing me apart
It’s tearing me apart
I don’t know why
It’s riping me apart
It’s tearing me apart
It’s tearing me apart
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
Without your love
Without your love
Without your love
Without your love
It’s tearing me apart

“Again” by Archive, from the abum “You all look the same to me“

 

6’1, Blonde, Idiot

Or how others describe me;

Muppet
Lurch
Long piece of damp string with knots in it

However every so often, having to internally deal with all the home-based drama’s and other concerns, the mood does turn darker and you allow yourself to dwell on your own insecurities, anger, sadness, self-worth and direction.  Not a glorious thing to behold or admit to, and probably not a very healthy way to proceed, but it’s a mechanism that works for me.

No dramatic outward signs fortunately.  Just, as friends who know me well will testify, a withdrawal into myself, an avoidance of others for a while, a quietness and a losing of oneself into work or activities (gym, swimming, karate, computer) and more importantly music.

Currently listening to the soundtrack of ‘Batman Begins’ by Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard.  Deliciously dark and, as all music written by Hans Zimmer, powerful.

 Normal service will resume shortly, with all issues buried out of sight once more..

It did at least give me time to sort out some of the new music I have “acquired”, get rid of some of the duplicates albums I had misfiled, sort out some of the tags that were wrong and copy them to the external hard drive ready for others to “review”.  Annoyingly the first thing I noticed when I fired up the laptop at work, ready to listen to some music, was a whole load of mis-tagged tracks which have also found their way onto my iPhone.. BUGGAR!

Work was abuzz this morning with the news of a planned 2,100 job cuts announced on the BBC News website, and literally as I am typing this there’s news of a *further* 2,100 job cuts.. DOUBLE BUGGAR!

Probably not the best time to be feeling tired and looking lethargic at work.  Unfortunately the swim this lunchtime hasn’t helped much either, and I still haven’t managed the 20 lengths without stopping!

To add to the tiredness, peevedness and alarm I can now add “lonely”.  Online friends seem to have disappeared and chats and updates from MSN and Facebook have dried up to a trickle.  This could, of course, just be a by-product of me trying to be offline a little more and keeping to my ‘talk only when talked to’ policy, which I am hoping will make me a little less annoying and let others actually lead a life. 

Time to venture out maybe?

Ah well, I need to wake up before my Karate class tonight and mentally prepare.  The Wednesday class is always a tough one and I need to work on my Kukutsu Dachi and Shuto Uki, before my students arrive, if I want to attain my next belt.

Methinks it’s time to hit the coffee again, or if things get too bad; to pop a caffeine bean and suck on it for the remainder of the day!

Edit 1: Update -  The 2 x 2,100 job cuts aren’t within my section of the company, which hopefully means I won’t be invited to a meeting to “discuss my career options” anytime soon.  

Thanks for the words of concern though guys n’ gals, much appreciated

Edit 2: Just to prove me a damn neurotic liar, about 10 minutes after posting this little update; up pops two different people on MSN for a chat, and three messages on facebook!