It’s true, I have reached a kind of prolonged brain-fart. The brain is whirring around, as much as it ever does, the fingers are itchy to put something down in words, but all that comes out is some slightly stale air.
As much as I want to jot down the daily doings of me, in some kind of narcissistic ‘dear diary’, the truth is that not an awful lot of interest happens. Life certainly isn’t in any shape or form as life-and-death as Ann Frank’s, or as tally-ho-trousers-down-and-up-the-constituents as Alan Clark’s.
So I find myself, during lunchtime at work, again within one of the music pods, sitting in front of this blog wondering what the hell to write down? Life, as I see it, is pretty much consisting of the following;
Work is work. I work in a Bank designing computer systems, how exactly exciting do you think that can get? Of course, the slightly annoying element of me being no longer required come 31st December does cause some concern… but 31st DECEMBER?! That’s like a lifetime away! (feel free to point me in the direction of this post in 2011 and rub my face in it if things don’t entirely work out the way I hope)
Karate is still providing the source of me getting beaten up in various, and intriguing, ways by multiple peoples. Just as an aside a new lesson has been learnt; do NOT do leg exercises at the Gym just before a karate lesson later that evening. The results are not impressive and the scowling by ones Sensei is something frightening to behold.
Home-life is home-life. Trying to resolve the latest home based dramas; house, heating, repairs, family arguments, money, etc, etc. is starting to feel like work. In the spirit of holding my hand up though, this is no different than anyone else. However the feeling of just throwing the arms up in the air with some of the new drama’s and say “Fine, I give up, have it your way!” is just too strong at the moment.
Sleep is not sleep. ‘Nuff said.
Go back to step #1
In my actual verbal self I am a person who doesn’t mind not having something to say. I am completely comfortable, when I have nothing of interest to say, in saying nothing at all. I don’t have the gift of the gab or have a hundred and one amusing anecdotes with which to regale friends and colleagues alike, and as seen from the above there’s nothing of note to bore the poor person I happen to be with about.
I just wish I had the same control when it came to blogging, although why blog in the first place if that were to be the case? Here’s as good a place as any to dump any brain-fartage and it’s not as though anyone reads the thing!
There, “ramble” done and dumped onto the t’interweb along with all the other rubbish that inhabit it. No violence (or at least none seen), or porn (that would be too terrifying a vision to dwell on) or conclusion to this post….
…just a faint stale smell, depending on how long after I posted this you read it, and a slightly relieved feeling on my part to expel it albeit somewhat publicly (which is very rude).
There is something deeply satisfying to me when the fogs of December come rolling in, especially in the early evenings, and the street lights flicker into life and cast the scenery with eerie punctuations of light and shadow.
I am also at my most reflective during these shadowed evenings, especially with all the dramas of life at the moment. Sometimes just stopping by Abington Park, after karate, pumping up the mood music, opening the doors and taking a calm moment before continuing the journey, is required.
There’s probably a hundred reasons why it’s not a good idea, but there’s just as many as to why it is. I think next time I try it I’ll source a good cup of java from somewhere.
A trip up to Scotland, especially at this time of year, has been too long a time coming and my batteries are in sore need of some recharging.
In a particularly low point at the moment, so have decided to wallow in some self pity and retrospective angst. I think I’m turning into a Goth, or worse, my sister when she was a teenager! (..that particular joke will have some severe repercussions).
My karate, as with other things, has stalled. Despite putting in what I feel is 100%, the execution seems to fall far short of the expected standard and the appearance of going backwards more than forwards is somewhat disheartening.
Maybe it’s just a recurrence of what a good friend once called “Blue belt blues”.
T’would seem my old managers favourite dictum, muttered every pay and bonus review time, has come back to haunt; “Remember, Andy, that 100% of nothing is still nothing”.
Wallowing, angst and other inglorious forms of self pity will of course be accompanied by some very loud music, in the Marilyn Mansun and Iron Maiden flavours methinks, and occassionally interspersed with some comedy genius.
Tis always the case, I start listening to a new album and my next few blog posts contain references, links and other sundry musings based on the content of that.
Postings have been a little thin on the ground lately, largely due to me being in a kind of cruise control; I go to work, I come home, I go to Karate (and generally get battered; my right hand thumb is somewhat suspect at the moment), I eat, I sleep and re-start the process the next day.
Not the most exciting post you’d ever read, not that I am suggesting that any of my previous blog posts could be categorised as such, but you get the picture.
Now this track by Nickelback, music and lyrics below, has gotten me wondering and cogitating on the question it poses. I don’t have a full answer as yet, or nothing that could fill a blog post, but I think at some point I will have to answer it and try and kickstart life a little.
…and very possibly ‘develop some’ as my trusty Glaswegian friend has told me on many an occassion.
Apparently the short one-liner of a post yesterday is better suited to twitter and not a blog post, I wasn’t aware that netiquette had developed to such a degree.
As to an explanation….
..Somewhat more difficult. I am sat here, in front of the keyboard, with a thousand words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs running around my head refusing to attach themselves in any permanent form to the screen. The backspace key is getting worn out and I’m afraid that the artificial intelligence within Wordpress will just get tired of the relentless type-delete-retype-delete cycle and just publish anyways.
Where to begin and how to word this post without the spitted teeth embedding themselves into the paragraphs?
I dunno.
I value honesty above all else, and always ask friends to be frank and honest with me. I have a particularly thick skin and most things will be taken as they are meant – I always thought it particularly stupid to seek someones honesty and then repay that with hurt pride after they have taken a difficult leap to provide you with that feedback. Take it, deal with it, move on.
However the stream of ‘truth’ that came through over the Bank Holiday was a little too much, even for one as thick skinned and dense as myself. Whilst I recognised some of what was said, and sheepishly say “guilty as charged” to others, the rest just seemed pure anger and nothing that I recognised. The shutting of virtual doors afterwards leaves no room for response, and to be frank I don’t think I want to rattle those ‘doors’ to see if that’s even a possibility.
There comes a point in time when you think this is happening too often and I just don’t have the energy to weather this anymore.
I took it, the “dealing with” is being exorcised here, and now it’s time to move on, however sadly…
Stunning song from a group I’ve not heard of before, on an album I didn’t know I had and found after pressing a button on the iPhone I didn’t mean to.
Sometimes ‘Shuffle’ mode on the iPhone brings up some absolute pearlers, causing you to stop, appreciate and relate to your own personal moment, which is what all great music should do..
I am not sure if it’s either my mood attaching particular meanings to tracks, or the album just connecting with my particular mood; but whichever way it is I am finding that Nickelback’s “All The Right Reasons” is hitting all the right spots for me personally.
The last few weeks have been a bit up and down and, as suggested within previous posts, some realisations bringing a more ‘calm’ me; Why worry about something over which you have no control?
This album hasn’t been off my iPhone for a few weeks or more, usually at a ridiculously loud volume, and particular tracks ’seeming’ to chart my mood at a particular time over those weeks. These being, in chronological order;
There is always a danger of reading too much into this selection and not understanding the context into which these fit… but, and I have to admit to not understanding the *actual* meaning behind some of the songs, I think, as most people do, I just keyed on a particular sentiment or verse and attached my own feeling to it and made it make sense to my own situation.
That said, my current mood music “Animals” is just a pure grin-like-an-idiot, wind the amp upto 11 and do the same on my new plaything; A Kawasaki ZX-6R!
600cc’s of diablo black fun, with a top speed of 168mph, 0-60mph in less time than it takes to blink (or hit the back of the car in front) and me sat on it grinning inside the helmet to match the grinning demon’s face painted on the outside. I am one VERY happy troozers!
So if you see me wandering around with the earphones in, you’ll know what I’m listening to, and if you don’t see me – I’m the screaming black demon that just whizzed by..
