Andy's Blog

You know there is one element of performing the subtle and deadly art of karate, and I’m presuming other similar oriental based martial forms, that isn’t much discussed… worse still it t’would seem to only afflict those of us walking around with a spare Y chromosome, which is quite unfair.

I am of course referring to pants, or if you prefer; budgie smugglers, kecks, undercrackers, briefs, shreddies, tightie-whities, Y-fronts, skivvies, banana hammocks…. whatever your word of choice is.

I am imagining those of you who don’t practise the noble art, or have just started on your journey, are looking at this in some perplexion.  Let me explain;

• The Nut Huggers
  These are those pants that keep EVERYTHING down below in place and they are damn well not gonna move.  In everyday use these are perfectly fine, as long as you mind the tiny screams of a million spermola crying out in terror and then permanently silenced.

You will probably be feeling rather smug with yourself whilst doing warm-ups in the dojo.  The ‘boys’ are staying in place and there’s none of that painful wandering around as you leap around before the proper karate starts.

However, dear uninitiated one, fear the call of “Zenkutsu dachi, KAMAE”!  It is at this point as your leg moves swiftly behind you, one shoulder width wide and two shoulder widths long, that your ear drums gain a pair of testicles.

• Born Free
  Your crown jewels were never meant to be caged up and  you feel duty bound to set the ‘boys’ free to wander whence they please.  A little tear comes to your eye as you envision them frolicking unbound in the virtual Serengeti that is your baggies.

Clackety clack!

Start the warming up procedure at the beginning of class and things will VERY quickly change for you.  That little tear of joy that came unbidden to your eye earlier will become tears of another sort as your plums turn into castanets… especially when Sensei calls out “Stepping… STRETCH IT OUT”!

…and as one of my friends, @plognark, pointed out on twitter; “Doing a side kick with your testicles stuck down one leg is a unique agony”.

I find a good pair  of “trunks” does the job just fine for me, just enough embrace to keep the man tonsils in check but not too much to choke the poor devils.

Of course the design of these I leave to your own personal tastes as this has no bearing on your pursuit of karate excellentness.  I have however seen them in Batman flavour and if I ever find some Honk Kong Phooey themed panties I will be *ALL* over them – I have a feeling my karate will be taken to a whole new level of awesomeness with those bad boys on!

Anyways that’s my number one tip in your pursuit of Black Belt godliness, find a good pair of pants and buy LOTS of them just in case..  let’s just keep this lesson between ourselves though eh?  Just think of the huge advantage you’ll have over your sparring partner as you stand there in the warm comforting embrace of your kecks as your opponent plays some flamenco passo doble with their undercarriage.

HAJIME!!

Goddamit, one post at the beginning of this month and I am now only just starting to think of another post at the arse end of the month.  Well that’s not entirely true, there was a post in progress somewhere near the middle which never saw the light of day for various reasons; the primary being it was rubbish.

Of course I still can’t think of anything to write although a lots gone on;

• The chance to see, chat, laugh, drink and celebrate with Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Nephews, Nieces, Cousins, even the ever-itchy footed one, Aunts and Uncles down in Andover for the wedding of my cousin Josie.
• Round two of the GKR Inter-Dojo Drinkie-Poo’s, with its tagline of “be there or be sober!”
• Sun, sun and yet more sun.  Seriously it’s been sunny here!
• Hospital visits and probes.
• ….and probably a few more things that I can’t remember right at this moment.  Maybe I should write these things down?

For some reason, and it was badly written in the unpublished post, I still feel slightly “empty” this month.  The feeling that something is slightly out of your reach and no matter how much you strive for it, it is just that wee bit quicker than what you are.  It’s not always something that tangible either.

The unpublished post was titled “Well I wish I was…” which was a slightly ironic title based on a mucky song that my dad had on a vinyl record back when I was a young whipper-snapper.  The song’s a bit whimsical and British sea-side postcard humour’ish, but the sentiment was what stuck.  I’m not going to attempt to re-iterate what was in there as I couldn’t finish that one, and I want to at least get something posted before the end of this month!

Not entirely sure there’s a point to this post, but I shall attempt to bring my head back to the here-and-now and focus on some personal milestones that are coming up far quicker than I can entirely grasp.  May and June *could* be momentous times in my development and I need to get my shite together, as a friend once eloquently put it.

I can’t help who I am, but I can do something about what I want to be…. maybe.

Laters…

Arse Feck Drink!

You know what? I am bored of this now; the ups ‘n downs, the no-news, the unwelcome news and all the bits in between.  I am tired of writing about it, almost as much as you are reading about it.. probably.

I am supposed to be at Karate now, getting my unfit body dragged and beaten up around a School hall somewhere in Northamptonshire, and I was all but there… instead I am now here in a foul mood and desperately trying not to drag this post down into a long list of anglo-saxon, and some exciting newly invented, words.

Quite frankly everybody has an “It” of their own without me adding to the It’iness of it all.  So henceforth “It” shall not be getting any more column space on this little irrelevant corner of the T’interweb unless it’s a post with a title along the lines of “So long and thanks for all the fish”.

That of course may change as I am a man of short memory and whimsical nature, and this is my blog and I’ll whine if I want to – to paraphrase Barbara Gaskin

You know, in the midst of a mountain of things to worry about; lumps re-appearing, lumps being gauged out, ritual draining of blood, tiredness, soreness and wondering what the local quack will say when next you see them…  it’s the stupid little things that can surprisingly pick you up.

She beats me mercilessly around the dojo whenever the opportunity arises, uses parts of my body for punching and kicking practise, frequently uses a sly little put down to pop any form of self delusion I pamper myself with and more often than not can see through the mountain of bullshit I throw up in front of me to obfuscate the mountain of worry that’s bringing me down;

…Missing your skirt and legs :’( x

It’s a stupid little text message, done fairly late in the evening, and I am fairly sure has a certain amount of alcohol fuelling it… but despite all of that the day seems a little less of a downer already

Thanks for that :’)
xxx

He was a new student but with an impressive amount of previous martial arts experience; 3rd kyu shotokan, 2nd kup Taekwondo and a large amount of Kickboxing whilst in the army.

I, was nervous.

There is always a little part of you, despite all the attempts at being “humble” that Sensei tries to beat instill into you, that wonders how well the karate you’ve spent years trying to perfect would fare against another martial art.

Curiosity got the better of me, that and he was all up for a little light sparring… I also, of course, had to assess what these extra skills, he was bringing into the dojo, would mean for the other students once he started sparring them.

Bloody hell he was fast!  Low stance with fists as you would see a boxer pose with.  Concentrate on the fists, I’ve sparred boxers before, and *POW* a smarting kick to the shins… not a sweep as I thought he was trying but a full on stumble-in-the-dark-shinning-the-coffee-table wallop.  OK, hang back defend only and assess his attacks.

Round kick to the hip, surprisingly low but easily blocked.  *shin smack* Round kick to the ribs, bloody fast, Ooof! *shin smack* Further kicks to the ribs blocked.  He then proceeds to go backwards in long forward stance and strike, leading in with his shoulders, which is both easily blocked and seems very ineffective.  *shin smack* Round elbow strike to the chest.. wasn’t expecting that.. that’ll smart for a *shin smack* while.   All further attempts at that little move were blocked and I had to smile a little bit at his surprised expression when I clip him round the ear, from behind..

Seems that some of the footwork practise is filtering through my dense skull and *IS* actually worth the layer of skin that I usually leave behind in the dojo.

*shin smack*, *shin smack*, *shin FECKIN’ smack*, WILL YOU STOP HAMMERING AWAY AT MY SHIN LIKE SOME LOVESICK OVER-SEXED STILL-GOT-HIS-GONADS MUTLEY!?

Now to be fair I am not entirely sure what his skill levels with all three of his martial arts actually are, and it has been a little while since he last “practised” the aforementioned arts, but I think the karate held up pretty good against the barrage.  To be sure I have a smarting chest bone and my legs feel like they’ve been abused by a LOT of coffee tables, but still got a fair amount of kicks n’ strikes of my own in, whilst blocking a large amount of the attacks.

Before you ask this is not a “Karate is better than <insert-other-martial-art>” post.  Each discipline has it’s strengths/weaknesses and I don’t actually believe one is better, or worse, than any other – it’s just what suits you, as long you do at least one… this is more about wondering whether I was up to the challenge.

Now, if you don’t mind, I am off to smear my legs with liberal amounts of Arnica and no longer wonder what it would feel like to tease a vicious four year old…

Beer, pizza, mindless violence, hyper-active kids, cider, karate, mad dashes across Northamptonshire, troubleshooting wireless access points, kung-fu in a film with karate in the title, pill popping, weak-ass shower switching between nut-shrivellingly-cold and skin-searingly-hot, missing a birthday party, talking-about-love-n-life, kiddies roller disco party, tea, more tea, COFFEE, fighting, laughing, Iron Maiden, bruises, yoda, young love, old friends, full english breakfast, kids up till 3am, Jackie Chan overload, grading, teasing, expectations, throwing up, winding down, blogging, snoozing…

How was your weekend?

I feel like this sometimes..

I am angry and pissed off.  Not something I am usually either of very often.

Sitting here with the music playing very loudly and very fast.  The choice of listening material is probably not a very good one for climbing out of this mood, but Iron Maiden is suiting me very well at the moment.

There is a certain requirement on my part to maintain a number of ‘faces’; normal, work, karate and mine.  Each of these having a time when they come out and to compartmentalise what I am really thinking, to switch off, to almost ignore the realities of some situations.  What’s probably a little worrying is that the private ‘face’ is starting to look like Eddie in the picture here; angry and more than a little unreasonable.

It’s probably a good idea to find a little ‘steam venting’ diversion somewhere and get back to a more sociable face.  Maybe just after this..

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uq6Ax-zzkQ&ob=av3nm

…maybe

To be honest, and let’s face it it’d be rude not to be, it’s been an “interesting” year so far.  As I sat here in front of a blank screen, wondering what words to type into this post, Crowded House’s song from which this particular blog post takes its title started up – which seemed apt.

The broad range of emotions, in what would otherwise have been an average two days, did swoop and peak somewhat alarmingly between the hours when my feet hit the floor in the morning and the hours that I got reminded of “life’s certainties” in no uncertain terms.

Ah well, ones metal is defined when the path of your life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil’s own Satanic herd.. to paraphrase Blackadder just a wee bit.

This will probably break all kinds of ‘blogging ethics’, but I can’t actually be arsed to put down in words what has gone down, for a number of vague, and quite franky lame, reasons.

Primary amongst these is just the plain fact that I am uncomfortable around raw emotions, whatever those may be.  It’s easier for me to just carry on regardless and deal with issues and/or problems in my own slightly abstracted way.

Secondly, I think it actually makes for a more interesting post.  Rather than get bogged down in the minutiae of detail around the how, what, why, when, etc… the more interesting detail is what we do about what’s thrown at us.  That, and the mostly cos of the primary reason noted above!

So don’t ask, as I won’t tell.. and yes probably won’t overly think about the matter at hand either.  Time to put some things on the back burner for a while and concentrate on the mundane, as well as some longer term goals which are starting to look like they may actually be possible!

I am not entirely sure whether this comes across as ignoring the issues, it’s not, but to each their own mechanisms for dealing with the “cowpats” strewn on their particular paths… this is mine.

It’s also given me a damn good excuse to use rather a lot of the fine cartoons that plognark has done for me, as they cover the “range” I was speaking of earlier in a rather better way than I can communicate in words.

….and also to put a cartoon picture of what I’d look like as a pirate, cos let’s face it, that’s something each of us would like to know!

Well 2011 has kicked off and as usual a bunch of vague promises have been made to myself as to how I will better myself.  These boil down to pretty much the same resolutions I had last year, the year before, and I’m fairly sure a few more years before that.

These being;

• Get better at Karate
• Get Fit/Slim

Very possibly one year I will acheive either, or being the eternal optimist that I am, both of them!

The ‘Get better at Karate” started off this Tuesday just gone with me huffing-and-puffing around at Senior Class and desperately trying to remember my chudan tsuki from my mawashi geri, after an extended Christmas break, so we are off to a flying start there!

I of course, for the second of those resolutions, am joining millionsof others in the thoroughly unenviable and unenjoyable diet phase of the year, full of all sorts of good intentions;  I shall not yield to chocolate treats, biccies or any food based produce not on the “You can eat that” list.  …and it’s an eye watering short list!

However, and it’s a HUGE “however” of biblical proportions, with a nice dusting of hundred-and-thousands of “however” on top and a rather fetching “however” themed double-whipped cream in the middle… does there really need to be that many McDonalds drive-thru’s between home and Birmingham?!?

I mean, really, I can’t remember “resisting temptation” being on my list of Resolutions listed above?!

“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation, but would also like it to keep in touch”
–Robert Orben

As is usual for this time of year I have drunk and eaten far too much.  Obviously it’s everybody else’s fault though, I mean if they feel the need to provide me with a quarter ton of confectionery delights then it’s only polite to consume them.

Of course the descent into consumption hell means a heck of a climb back out.. and this year, if all goes well, is an important one and one I need to be at my top form for.

That's me that is

So the coming New Years bash will be something of a blow-out as I plan to drop a fair number of kilos and hit the weights in an aggressive manner come 2011, or at least that’s the plan.

So until then, I bid you a very Happy New Year / Blianadh Bha Ur.