Life, as the old 80′s song insists, is what you make it.. which is a somewhat sobering thought as I look out over a rain drenched Abington Park.
There are many things that both friends and family will quote at you, in wordishly wise ways, and sometimes with a zen-like look on their face and voice; but however much you shake a stick at it, and this is probably age related (another year, another candle to burn), sometimes you just need to drop back, find your own space, crank up the music that defines your here-and-now and…..
…and? Well you’ll know what works for you, as for me, I am still mid “and…’ing”.
There’s a mental image running around my head that would speak far more volumes than any number of words could convey in how things are at the moment. Sometimes, and only sometimes, words are easy
…but not enough.. or way too much.
I’ve spoken before about how a song, a snippet of lyrics taken out of context, an image, or some other medium, provide a far more accurate and personal reflection of self at a point in time.
I won’t try and put into words what the mental image is, inoffensive as it is, as that seems counter intuitive. Maybe later, when I have some personal time, I will search for something that matches it on the big, bad, t’interweb… or, god forbid, put my artistic abilities to the test and actually translate from mental image to physical medium.
Until then I’ll share one of the ‘lyrics out of context’, that I mentioned earlier. It’s from a song by Madness and perversely it’s probably the one bit that makes the song sound darker than it’s actual intent – which is exactly the opposite;
Standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.
If I ever do manage to scribble the image down I’ll make sure to add it to the blog… maybe. However now seems a perfect time to plug in some headphones, hit ‘random’ on the playlist, and see if I can either create some new audible monuments or just lose self in the moment.
Apparently the short one-liner of a post yesterday is better suited to twitter and not a blog post, I wasn’t aware that netiquette had developed to such a degree.
As to an explanation….
..Somewhat more difficult. I am sat here, in front of the keyboard, with a thousand words, phrases, sentences and paragraphs running around my head refusing to attach themselves in any permanent form to the screen. The backspace key is getting worn out and I’m afraid that the artificial intelligence within WordPress will just get tired of the relentless type-delete-retype-delete cycle and just publish anyways.
Where to begin and how to word this post without the spitted teeth embedding themselves into the paragraphs?
I dunno.
I value honesty above all else, and always ask friends to be frank and honest with me. I have a particularly thick skin and most things will be taken as they are meant – I always thought it particularly stupid to seek someones honesty and then repay that with hurt pride after they have taken a difficult leap to provide you with that feedback. Take it, deal with it, move on.
However the stream of ‘truth’ that came through over the Bank Holiday was a little too much, even for one as thick skinned and dense as myself. Whilst I recognised some of what was said, and sheepishly say “guilty as charged” to others, the rest just seemed pure anger and nothing that I recognised. The shutting of virtual doors afterwards leaves no room for response, and to be frank I don’t think I want to rattle those ‘doors’ to see if that’s even a possibility.
There comes a point in time when you think this is happening too often and I just don’t have the energy to weather this anymore.
I took it, the “dealing with” is being exorcised here, and now it’s time to move on, however sadly…
It’s tough when you lose something that you never actually had in the first place. The measure of yourself is in the way you deal with it; bitterly, tragically heroic, denial or c’est la vie.
Somewhat quiet week, with the usual routine; Gym, Swim, Karate and inevitable home-based dramas.
So it was on with the happy face for the outside world whilst desperately trying to sort out those home-based dramas. Unfortunately some people are blessed with a keener sense of other peoples underlying emotions.. or an anti-bullshit detector, call it what you will.
Therefore the “Are you OK Andy, you seem a bit…. down?” question threw me somewhat. I think the mumbled, somewhat incoherent, reply didn’t fool anybody.
Remind never to play poker with that particular person!!
