Andy's Blog

With the myriad of complications that have been taking up my time this year, it is still surprising that “people” are the biggest complication of the lot.

I made a decision earlier this year.  A fairly radical decision tis true.  The decision was based on a very personal time of reflection, not lightly made, and one that was built upon some quite intense experiences this year.

Am slightly surprised therefore that someone has taken offence.

As my Sensei has said on numerous occassions; “karate is a journey, not a race”.  For some of us this journey takes a little longer than others, wrong turns have been made and our own personal SatNav needs a little tweaking to get us back on the road.

One person’s decision on their readiness for a new grade is not a reflection on another’s.  It is up to each of us, when the question is asked, to answer if we are prepared internally for that next step.  I’m not.

As I said in a previous post, which far better puts across my feelings, than this slightly rambling post;

“I need to stop chasing the next belt for the next few years and practise on becoming a black belt rather than just wearing one“

I made that decision for myself.  I ask that question of my students.  Each of us can only make that decision for ourselves individually and not for someone else…   and that has to be respected if nothing else.

“Ah“, said the screen, “I think you’re at the ‘Losing my religion’ phase…”

Which is a slightly strange thing to read, especially as I never had ‘religion’ in the first place.  There is a heart dropping moment when you feel that the next bit of advise to come your way is about how God will magically come along and fix things for you if only you believe hard enough, visit his house on a regular basis, put pennies in his coffers, read his biography, and mumble to yourself with your hands clapped reverently in front of you.

Well that did flit through my mind briefly and was then rudely drowned out by a mandolin that started playing in my head and the image of some bloke dancing like he’s had all the bones removed from his body.

Support forums are a strange land to inhabit.  Sitting in front the computer screen talking with someone you’ve never met about where to stick your personal “use by” tag and whether it really should be “best before” (split decision on this between being a physical or mental age requirement) or “display until” (we shan’t dwell on the conclusion as to when and where that sticker should be placed on your person). Continue reading

Yesterday, Sunday, was a mixed day for me, flicking between feeling sick to my stomach, angry at chances lost, quiet, melancholic, happy for others, and more darkly somewhat self-pitying.

…and I hate myself for that.

I’ve been reading Gichin Funakoshi’s books lately; namely ‘The essence of karate’ and ‘The twenty guiding principles of karate’ and have found myself wanting.  I think I’ve been so focused, recently, on the next grade that I’ve forgotten what it entails.

The colour of your belt is not a right based on how long you’ve been practising the art, but the culmination and growth of understanding of the principles underpinning it.  This has been proved by a colleague who has just reached that next level and his karate, which is far better than mine, proves the point.

Time is not the measure, understanding and application is.

I think it’s time to get back to basics for me.  This isn’t a throwing-dummies-out-the-proverbial-pram moment, the karate training will go on.  However I think I need to stop chasing the next belt for the next few years and practise on becoming a black belt rather than just wearing one.

Sometimes having the wind taken from your sails, metaphorically at least, is the best thing if not a little hard on you at the time…. time, at least, will tell if that’s true or not.

Risk is something we manage every day on an almost unconscious level; Do you pull out from the junction now, or wait until that red car passes by?  Sip upon the blessed caffeine bean straight away or blow on it to cool it down just a tad?  Stand and block an attack or step forward and sideways to go on the offensive?

All made fairly quickly and without being verbalised as a series of competing options and therein lies the rub, the verbalisation.  When the risks are said out loud it’s suddenly a decision that cannot be made unconsciously as it sits in front of you with a quizzical “so?” on its face.

“If you don’t do x, y could happen.  However there’s a risk with doing x that may result in y”

It all looks a bit like a mathematical formula at this point, especially when percentages are thrown at you to “help”.  Risk now moves from a personal set of choices to an impersonal set of numbers with some unpalatable consequences attached to them… or not… maybe.

So now I am left to face the calculation of “could” vs “may” and all that entails.

There’s a lot to be said for ignoring the whole issue and just throwing yourself into the elsewhere, delaying the inevitable and concentrating on those things that you can influence.. but the quizzical face is still there.

So?  Block vs Strike?  Could vs May?  Do vs Die?

Goddamit, one post at the beginning of this month and I am now only just starting to think of another post at the arse end of the month.  Well that’s not entirely true, there was a post in progress somewhere near the middle which never saw the light of day for various reasons; the primary being it was rubbish.

Of course I still can’t think of anything to write although a lots gone on;

• The chance to see, chat, laugh, drink and celebrate with Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Nephews, Nieces, Cousins, even the ever-itchy footed one, Aunts and Uncles down in Andover for the wedding of my cousin Josie.
• Round two of the GKR Inter-Dojo Drinkie-Poo’s, with its tagline of “be there or be sober!”
• Sun, sun and yet more sun.  Seriously it’s been sunny here!
• Hospital visits and probes.
• ….and probably a few more things that I can’t remember right at this moment.  Maybe I should write these things down?

For some reason, and it was badly written in the unpublished post, I still feel slightly “empty” this month.  The feeling that something is slightly out of your reach and no matter how much you strive for it, it is just that wee bit quicker than what you are.  It’s not always something that tangible either.

The unpublished post was titled “Well I wish I was…” which was a slightly ironic title based on a mucky song that my dad had on a vinyl record back when I was a young whipper-snapper.  The song’s a bit whimsical and British sea-side postcard humour’ish, but the sentiment was what stuck.  I’m not going to attempt to re-iterate what was in there as I couldn’t finish that one, and I want to at least get something posted before the end of this month!

Not entirely sure there’s a point to this post, but I shall attempt to bring my head back to the here-and-now and focus on some personal milestones that are coming up far quicker than I can entirely grasp.  May and June *could* be momentous times in my development and I need to get my shite together, as a friend once eloquently put it.

I can’t help who I am, but I can do something about what I want to be…. maybe.

Laters…

I seem to be spending an inordinately large amount of my life, at the moment, just waiting around. The problem is; I’m no bloody good at waiting!

Waiting for test results to come back, waiting for ordered items to be delivered… although to be fair some of these haven’t taken *THAT* long to be delivered, it’s just that my geeky heart can’t wait to get its greedy mitts on the latest play-thing.

Waiting for the next bout of unpleasantness to arrive, and more frustratingly waiting on the motorway for traffic to start to think about moving again.  This has gotten to the point where I am loading up the ol’ smartphone with some frankly quite bizarre music tracks to take my mind off the static here-n-now.

So in an attempt to wrestle back some control, and inject a little deviation from the normal run-o-the-mill, I’ve decided to finally get around to doing some things I’ve been promising myself but have been thinking “it can wait”…

..It probably can, but I don’t think I want to any longer.

Granted it’s not anything life changing, but every so often a little “what the hell” can’t hurt and is good for the soul.  It also gives you the chance to remove yourself from all those little ‘waits’ that are trundling along, admittedly slowly, but will at some point arrive – what to do at that point is another blog post altogether!

Blink, and *ping!* twelve years seem to have passed when you finally re-open your eyes.  Or at least that’s what it feels like with number one son.  The time has come in the Stewart & Moreno household to have some very earnest discussions, frettings, nashing of nails about the aforementioned clown-footed-floppy-haired-gangly offspring and his inevitable bid for new freedoms.

What freedoms do you allow a 12 year old to have?  At the end of the day although he is he is very tall, has a girlfriend and some semblance of common sense (if you dig deep enough), he is still the little boy that I used to bottle feed and dry after his bath… Even if he is now pretty much at an eye-to-eye level with me!

The thing is I think I was younger than this when I walked the few miles between our house in Northampton, through Abington Park, to School.  I also remember the first visible signs of fretting my parents had when they decided to let me have my wings, at what age I can’t remember, in Corby.

Of course, being young, I didn’t much worry about the fretting and I distinctly remember my watch “conveniently” stopping so the time I did eventually wander back home didn’t exactly match the time I was told to be in by.

My dad was very wise to that little trick!

So now it’s our turn to start that “fretting” to wonder what is acceptable freedoms to grant in this slightly less innocent age.  I am mindful, however, of whether the fears I have are entirely justifiable?

I’ve recently been watching Charlie Brooker‘s excellent “How TV Ruined Your Life” which has given me some food for thought.  So, whilst I ponder my sproglets current bid for freedom, feel free to pass on any wise words you may have on this subject, and bring much wisdom to the…. wisdomless, wise-ass-less, fick, wiseless (that’ll be me).

….hopefully number one son won’t be donning blue wode and mauling Scottish history in the meantime

To be honest, and let’s face it it’d be rude not to be, it’s been an “interesting” year so far.  As I sat here in front of a blank screen, wondering what words to type into this post, Crowded House’s song from which this particular blog post takes its title started up – which seemed apt.

The broad range of emotions, in what would otherwise have been an average two days, did swoop and peak somewhat alarmingly between the hours when my feet hit the floor in the morning and the hours that I got reminded of “life’s certainties” in no uncertain terms.

Ah well, ones metal is defined when the path of your life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil’s own Satanic herd.. to paraphrase Blackadder just a wee bit.

This will probably break all kinds of ‘blogging ethics’, but I can’t actually be arsed to put down in words what has gone down, for a number of vague, and quite franky lame, reasons.

Primary amongst these is just the plain fact that I am uncomfortable around raw emotions, whatever those may be.  It’s easier for me to just carry on regardless and deal with issues and/or problems in my own slightly abstracted way.

Secondly, I think it actually makes for a more interesting post.  Rather than get bogged down in the minutiae of detail around the how, what, why, when, etc… the more interesting detail is what we do about what’s thrown at us.  That, and the mostly cos of the primary reason noted above!

So don’t ask, as I won’t tell.. and yes probably won’t overly think about the matter at hand either.  Time to put some things on the back burner for a while and concentrate on the mundane, as well as some longer term goals which are starting to look like they may actually be possible!

I am not entirely sure whether this comes across as ignoring the issues, it’s not, but to each their own mechanisms for dealing with the “cowpats” strewn on their particular paths… this is mine.

It’s also given me a damn good excuse to use rather a lot of the fine cartoons that plognark has done for me, as they cover the “range” I was speaking of earlier in a rather better way than I can communicate in words.

….and also to put a cartoon picture of what I’d look like as a pirate, cos let’s face it, that’s something each of us would like to know!

Not firing at one hundred percent at the moment, which is really rather annoying.

It’s always said that the things that matter most are hard won but easily lost, and this seems to be happening somewhat frequently with only one thing constant; yours truly.  So the blame seems to lie in one place only and am not entirely sure what to do about that.

In the meantime the goal of nearly 5 years hard, and sometimes frustrating, work is starting to look like it may be achievable.

Nothing is ever guaranteed, of course, but as Lao Tzu wrote; “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step”.  So time to put one, solitary, foot in front of the other and see whether this now personal journey gets me to where I want to go..

..minus those hard won and easily lost.

I think it’s time I try to put into practise what I learn in karate every week, and try to kick something; namely my own arse and actually commit to updating this blog at least once a week, no matter how boring that could actually get… for the reader!  Rather alarmingly I found out on Monday that someone actually reads this thing, which is always nice, but the posts are somewhat few and far between.

So there’s the promise; I shall henceforth attempt to put keyboard to screen and write something on this thing at least once a week – now that may be at the beginning, mid, or end of the week, but it shall be updated.

As for this week, I have mostly been leaving bits of me all over the UK; my stomach’s still in a hotel conference room in Wolverhampton, my co-ordination has been left at a karate seminar in Coventry, my heart’s in Scotland, my brain is still in bed and my common sense has been AWOL for more years than I care to admit to.

I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever be able to collect all these parts any time soon but I’ll give it a whirl and hopefully at least get the brain engaged before the next post is due.  Till then….