Andy's Blog

Cancer of the noggin is still rife and round two of surgical strikes is due to commence in the next few hours, and this time it means WAR!  The new lumpy bit is on my ‘chin of heroic proportions’ which means the facial bumfluff needs to be removed… Nooooooo!

Well, in for a penny in for a pound as the old saying goes.  If the beard has to come off, then the WHOLE LOT has to come off as well.  Beard, chin fuzz and…. upper lip growth.  Now this is a HEEE-OOOGE step for yours truly, I’ve had a mouse-tash since I was a gangly, spotty, bag of raging hormones running around School in Corby.

…and if it has to come off, I may as well document the whole sorry process and have a little fun with it as well.  To be brutally honest this is to ‘gird my loins’ for the whole fuzz removal process as I’ve literally had nightmares as to what the heck my face looks like under there!  Ah well, see the results above and enjoy…

Time to wander around, whilst I await for the face/scalpel meeting of minds, resplendent in my wanton ‘nakedness’ and feeling not unlike Duncan Goodhew’s left testicle O_o

With the myriad of complications that have been taking up my time this year, it is still surprising that “people” are the biggest complication of the lot.

I made a decision earlier this year.  A fairly radical decision tis true.  The decision was based on a very personal time of reflection, not lightly made, and one that was built upon some quite intense experiences this year.

Am slightly surprised therefore that someone has taken offence.

As my Sensei has said on numerous occassions; “karate is a journey, not a race”.  For some of us this journey takes a little longer than others, wrong turns have been made and our own personal SatNav needs a little tweaking to get us back on the road.

One person’s decision on their readiness for a new grade is not a reflection on another’s.  It is up to each of us, when the question is asked, to answer if we are prepared internally for that next step.  I’m not.

As I said in a previous post, which far better puts across my feelings, than this slightly rambling post;

“I need to stop chasing the next belt for the next few years and practise on becoming a black belt rather than just wearing one“

I made that decision for myself.  I ask that question of my students.  Each of us can only make that decision for ourselves individually and not for someone else…   and that has to be respected if nothing else.

“Ah“, said the screen, “I think you’re at the ‘Losing my religion’ phase…”

Which is a slightly strange thing to read, especially as I never had ‘religion’ in the first place.  There is a heart dropping moment when you feel that the next bit of advise to come your way is about how God will magically come along and fix things for you if only you believe hard enough, visit his house on a regular basis, put pennies in his coffers, read his biography, and mumble to yourself with your hands clapped reverently in front of you.

Well that did flit through my mind briefly and was then rudely drowned out by a mandolin that started playing in my head and the image of some bloke dancing like he’s had all the bones removed from his body.

Support forums are a strange land to inhabit.  Sitting in front the computer screen talking with someone you’ve never met about where to stick your personal “use by” tag and whether it really should be “best before” (split decision on this between being a physical or mental age requirement) or “display until” (we shan’t dwell on the conclusion as to when and where that sticker should be placed on your person). Continue reading

Sunday was very much a “Grand Ol’ Duke of York” day; When I was up, I was up.  When I was down, I was down.  Today I’m neither up nor down.  I was going to title this post “Four seasons in one day, part II” for pretty much the same reasons as the original post.  A rollercoaster of emotions varying from pain, joy, sadness and pride although not necessarily in that order.

The joy of seeing my fellow karate-ka progressing to their next level, especially all the new brown belts, was tinged slightly with the realisation that I wasn’t going to be able to make my own progression.

Despite eminently wise words from Sensei, and other friends, about priorities; one can’t but feel that the ‘ongoing buggerage’ has won this little round just before I deal with it ultimately.  As noted to my Sensei, “at least it gives me more time to practice my sanseru and sepai“.  Although truth be told my heart really wasn’t in it.

I think, if nothing else, the two weeks “off” I’ll be having will give me time to charge up the ol’ batteries.  I have already started to fill up my media player with an almost obscene amount of musical tracks and the kindle is starting to groan under the weight of books that have been loaded on there.

It’s also good to know that friends “have your back” and that if nothing else things will be ticking along whilst I’m not there.  The hugs have been rather lovely too :¬)

I won’t be online though.  Recently, and I mean very very recently, it’s almost been too hard to keep things in check; grading, as I said, was too much of a rollercoaster – and funnily enough I think Sensei was very much aware of that fact… as did my tough love guardian angel (as always)!

you can’t go on thinking nothing’s wrong
who’s gonna drive you home tonight?

The answer, as always, is ultimately “me”, but you can’t help but wonder somtimes…

A new month is upon us and.. oh my tis gonna be a full adventure packed one this year!  June, it has to be said, definitely had quite a few more downs than ups and really took a nose-dive as it approached its ultimate whimper.  The blog, as ever, suffered from a lack of updates but sometimes life is very rude in its attention grabbing; and these really weren’t things I could ignore.

So I start the new month off looking for some ‘new adventures’… let’s leave it at that for the moment, and contemplating a month of pain(s)…. of various unique flavours.

The little buggerage that is cancer is having the local quackery peek, poke and “hmmmm” at it first thing with a view to finally giving it its marching orders;  scalpel and eye-watering equipment at the ready!

Before one can even clench one’s but-tocks at that thought I shall be throwing myself, and number one sprog, into the competitive art of funny poses and grunting in a japanese accent.  I would call it Karate, but that really is doing the fair martial art a disservice… at least on my part.

What’s more worrying is that I shall be pitting my questionable skills against a large number of other practitioners, with some very VERY dark coloured belts, all in the name of becoming world champeeen!

Get that over and done with and I will age an extra year almost immediately… literally!  Nope, not in some abstract sense of the word, I will actually have aged another year.  That is if I haven’t already aged prematurely when number one sprog officially enters his teenagedom the week before.

There’s a bit more to tap out into this post, but I can’t seem to compose the correct combinations of letters and punctuation marks into something vaguely coherent.

Ah well, cometh the end of July and I’ll be pretty much offline for a few weeks; no on-line presence, no work, no karate, no updates, no cancerous lumps bumps ‘n other stuff? no idea… we’ll cross that bridge when we get there though.

First day of the month!

Risk is something we manage every day on an almost unconscious level; Do you pull out from the junction now, or wait until that red car passes by?  Sip upon the blessed caffeine bean straight away or blow on it to cool it down just a tad?  Stand and block an attack or step forward and sideways to go on the offensive?

All made fairly quickly and without being verbalised as a series of competing options and therein lies the rub, the verbalisation.  When the risks are said out loud it’s suddenly a decision that cannot be made unconsciously as it sits in front of you with a quizzical “so?” on its face.

“If you don’t do x, y could happen.  However there’s a risk with doing x that may result in y”

It all looks a bit like a mathematical formula at this point, especially when percentages are thrown at you to “help”.  Risk now moves from a personal set of choices to an impersonal set of numbers with some unpalatable consequences attached to them… or not… maybe.

So now I am left to face the calculation of “could” vs “may” and all that entails.

There’s a lot to be said for ignoring the whole issue and just throwing yourself into the elsewhere, delaying the inevitable and concentrating on those things that you can influence.. but the quizzical face is still there.

So?  Block vs Strike?  Could vs May?  Do vs Die?

I am looking at a blank screen, an amusing cartoon picture of myself smiling like the idiot I am, Black Stone Cherry playing in the background, an overused backspace key whimpering on my keyboard and a headful of nothing which is successfully making an appearance on this blog.

This post started off life as some form of apology for the sometimes teasing, sometimes sarcastic comments I tend to come out with, morphed to an amusing story about double glazing salesmen, light-hearted texts and then double-backed to the perils of playing with words.  Somewhere in the middle of all of that it became a little darker and whinier…. and I now find myself gravitating that way again!

I really should stop trying to write a blog post when I really don’t know what I want to write and begin to just splurge on the page, the results are somewhat more navel gazing than I am comfortable with.

If I’m honest I think, deep down, I’m still a little scared about the whole Cancer thing even though I put the whole happy face on (as ugly an image as that is), and the upcoming visit to the quacks in July for the latest prognosis.  Also, this post has also got an awful lot of sentences beginning with “I”, which is both very lazy and a little “me me me”.

I’m (there I go again) also worrying about my next grading, whether my karate is sufficient for the task or whether I can actually *make* the next grading.  As I said “dark thoughts indeed” and not something I am overly comfortable with.

I think I need to change the track…. in all senses of the word.

Keeping your guard up is almost one of the first things you learn in karate.  I probably extend this further than was originally anticipated although the physical aspect of this seems to escape me as Sensei readjusts mine yet again…. and again.

Despite the very few, who however good your guard is just seem to poke, punch and jab at your vulnerable areas, the guard remains and protects.  Letting it drop shows how scared you really are, and that’s just not the done thing.. not that I ever admitted to being the smartest biscuit in the barrel.

.oO( I am not entirely sure what type of biscuit I would be if I had to choose one, but there is unanimous consensus that the Chocolate Hobnob is the undisputed king of biccies! )

I digress.

Advancing a stage seems to bring with it a host of new experiences, things to overcome and a whole world of unique pain.  Sitting down, standing up, lying down, strike a stance, perform a kata, slouch on the floor… all are accompanied by some part of your body wanting to gain your attention in as startling a way as possible.

…but the guard remains.

“When the tides of life turn against you and the current upsets your boat, don’t waste those tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float.”
- Anon

Apparently Basal Cell Carcinoma (usually shortened down to BCC, which makes it sound like an addendum to an email)  is the most common form of skin cancer… which is slightly insulting as I have it and I like to think of myself as a little more exotic than that!

*sigh* t’would seem even the malignant things that rudely hitch a ride on me have to make some form of social comment on my standing within the community!

As the good Doctor said, thankfully before I started to have a major freak-on, it’s a VERY mild form of Cancer and is very treatable; so I shall be visiting the local quack this coming Monday to have the little bastard cut away from its current abode near my right ear.

Rather amusingly the Doctor was concerned that I would be more worried about the scar it would leave next to my ear than the actual carcinoma.  Whilst I understand that marring the physical perfection that is my face would worry humanity in general, I can’t help but feel excited at possibly looking ‘a little harder’ to match the, admittedly self-delusional, macho karate killer persona I have built up.

What’s more worrying, alarming, depressing, and a multitude of other ‘-ing’ words is the thought of having to stay at home post-op with only Jeremy Kyle and other daytime TV delights…. and I know which is the worserer (sic) of the two evils