Life, as the old 80′s song insists, is what you make it.. which is a somewhat sobering thought as I look out over a rain drenched Abington Park.
There are many things that both friends and family will quote at you, in wordishly wise ways, and sometimes with a zen-like look on their face and voice; but however much you shake a stick at it, and this is probably age related (another year, another candle to burn), sometimes you just need to drop back, find your own space, crank up the music that defines your here-and-now and…..
…and? Well you’ll know what works for you, as for me, I am still mid “and…’ing”.
Somewhat reminded of that scene from Blazing Saddles where Lilly Von Shtup is singing “I’m Tired”, not so much in the sense of being a “Goddess of Desire”, etc, but just the sheer sense of not being able to get the energy up to do anything of much use.
These past few weeks have been a manic blur of competing priorities, unrealistic expectations of what one person can achieve in a relatively short space of time, and this week just gone is something that just doesn’t want repeating. Headless chicken mode is a thing of wonder and highly amusing… when it ain’t you that’s the nogginless avian!
Won’t go too much into detail, cos… well… I’m too tired to string the relevant words together properly, and in my case that level of in-eloquence isn’t pretty – suffice to say; kids, injuries and a little measure of work. ’nuff said.
All of which is a rather round-about way of apologising for a lack of posts on my narcissistic little corner of the Internet. I will try better, honest… just let me chug a few cans of Red Bull whilst chewing coffee beans and Zolpidem!
..Should make the next post an interesting one (at last)!
There’s a mental image running around my head that would speak far more volumes than any number of words could convey in how things are at the moment. Sometimes, and only sometimes, words are easy
…but not enough.. or way too much.
I’ve spoken before about how a song, a snippet of lyrics taken out of context, an image, or some other medium, provide a far more accurate and personal reflection of self at a point in time.
I won’t try and put into words what the mental image is, inoffensive as it is, as that seems counter intuitive. Maybe later, when I have some personal time, I will search for something that matches it on the big, bad, t’interweb… or, god forbid, put my artistic abilities to the test and actually translate from mental image to physical medium.
Until then I’ll share one of the ‘lyrics out of context’, that I mentioned earlier. It’s from a song by Madness and perversely it’s probably the one bit that makes the song sound darker than it’s actual intent – which is exactly the opposite;
Standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.
If I ever do manage to scribble the image down I’ll make sure to add it to the blog… maybe. However now seems a perfect time to plug in some headphones, hit ‘random’ on the playlist, and see if I can either create some new audible monuments or just lose self in the moment.
It’s true, I have reached a kind of prolonged brain-fart. The brain is whirring around, as much as it ever does, the fingers are itchy to put something down in words, but all that comes out is some slightly stale air.
As much as I want to jot down the daily doings of me, in some kind of narcissistic ‘dear diary’, the truth is that not an awful lot of interest happens. Life certainly isn’t in any shape or form as life-and-death as Ann Frank’s, or as tally-ho-trousers-down-and-up-the-constituents as Alan Clark’s.
So I find myself, during lunchtime at work, again within one of the music pods, sitting in front of this blog wondering what the hell to write down? Life, as I see it, is pretty much consisting of the following;
Work is work. I work in a Bank designing computer systems, how exactly exciting do you think that can get? Of course, the slightly annoying element of me being no longer required come 31st December does cause some concern… but 31st DECEMBER?! That’s like a lifetime away! (feel free to point me in the direction of this post in 2011 and rub my face in it if things don’t entirely work out the way I hope)
Karate is still providing the source of me getting beaten up in various, and intriguing, ways by multiple peoples. Just as an aside a new lesson has been learnt; do NOT do leg exercises at the Gym just before a karate lesson later that evening. The results are not impressive and the scowling by ones Sensei is something frightening to behold.
Home-life is home-life. Trying to resolve the latest home based dramas; house, heating, repairs, family arguments, money, etc, etc. is starting to feel like work. In the spirit of holding my hand up though, this is no different than anyone else. However the feeling of just throwing the arms up in the air with some of the new drama’s and say “Fine, I give up, have it your way!” is just too strong at the moment.
Sleep is not sleep. ‘Nuff said.
Go back to step #1
In my actual verbal self I am a person who doesn’t mind not having something to say. I am completely comfortable, when I have nothing of interest to say, in saying nothing at all. I don’t have the gift of the gab or have a hundred and one amusing anecdotes with which to regale friends and colleagues alike, and as seen from the above there’s nothing of note to bore the poor person I happen to be with about.
I just wish I had the same control when it came to blogging, although why blog in the first place if that were to be the case? Here’s as good a place as any to dump any brain-fartage and it’s not as though anyone reads the thing!
There, “ramble” done and dumped onto the t’interweb along with all the other rubbish that inhabit it. No violence (or at least none seen), or porn (that would be too terrifying a vision to dwell on) or conclusion to this post….
…just a faint stale smell, depending on how long after I posted this you read it, and a slightly relieved feeling on my part to expel it albeit somewhat publicly (which is very rude).
Awww buggar, t’would seem that the powers-that-be have finally swung their Sauron like gaze towards me and wondered; “WTF does he do?”
So I now find myself, just before Christmas, in the position of having my role officially classed as “at risk”. As my manager helpfully put it at my 1:1 interview; “It’s not you, but your role that’s at risk”. I think I feel better.
However, I am taking this rather positively and am not *too* down. It doth give me the opportunity to see what new adventures are available out there and I have about 6 months in which to do it in (or possibly 12 if you read the rather vague HR document in another way; head slanted at a jaunty 30 degree angle kind of way).
That's me that is..
So I am currently calling upon the mighty powers of Web 2.0, and sacrificing my first born upon its altar (sorry Alex but the Internet is a cruel, yet just, deity) to see what can be found for a jobbing IT Guru without actually getting up from my seat… well actually this blog post comes more from a Pod than a seat, but I’m painting a picture here…
Back to work after a week off whilst the kids were on half-term holiday… *sigh*
Most of my time is being spent trawling through 253 unread emails, most of which seem annoyingly similar in nature to what Mr Clayton-Bull terms a ‘pathetic use of email‘.
If you see me on MSN or facebook today, PUULEEEAAASEEE drop me a line to save me from this inanity.
Edit: Leaving me a facebook wall message, or an MSN message, informing me that “ha ha I am on holiday in a hot country” is not the type of get-my-mind-off-work message I was looking for!
There are very few rules to be followed when visiting the toilet and these rules tend to be unwritten and, certainly for use of the men’s toilet, more in the form of an etiquette to be followed; such as which urinal you choose and where the eyes should remain focused, etc.
Speaking on the mobile is definitely one of these unwritten rules, and you have to wonder what the person on the other end of the phone is thinking as they hear the background noise to the scintillating conversation the offender is engaged in.
Unfortunately the toilets at my workplace only come in pairs, so I was slighly surprised as the big Indian chap waddled up next to me with mobile clamped between ear and shoulder and proceeded to ‘do the business’ in the toilet next to me…. and chat… whilst, disconcertingly, have his head angled such that it looked like he was having a damn good ogle at my splendour!
Actual Script;
Me : "Excuse me!?"
Him : "Yes?"... (moves head to look me in the face)
Sound FX : Plop!
Both : (look down to see mobile in urinal being peed upon)
Him : "Shiiiiiiittt!"
Me : (laugh)
Phonee : "Hello?"
My previous stated Atheism may have to be revised, as I now believe there *MUST* be a God after all
…
It’s time to light the lights
It’s time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.
There is something very comforting when you fully embrace your inner ‘Muppetness’, a realisation that sometimes it takes WAY too much time and effort to be miserable and that life really shouldn’t be taken THAT seriously anyway!
The shedding of some expectations has lifted a huge weight from me and in large respects has made me go; “what the fff…lipping heck were you thinking anyway?!”. Other issues still need to be resolved, but those I will face in typical muppet fashion… minus some singing and dancing… and chickens (maybe).
So, I am embracing my muppetness and choosing appropriate characters based on my mood for the day. So watch out for Kermit, Fozzy Bear, Beaker and more importantly Animal!
Until then I am practising my “Mr Boombastic” routine ready for the christmas party discos – so beware!
Now is the time for big decisions to be made, or maybe ever-so-slightly later due to waiting for the right time to broach the subject and people to be available for their views.
It certainly feels like I am running to stay stood still at the moment, so I have decided to fill up the iPhone with an esoteric mix of music and have a wander around the local park to try and get some perspective and clear the head.
“Shuffle” mode on the iPhone is an interesting beast at the best of times, flicking from Fleetwood Mac to Metallica and then onto early Genesis – try setting your mood to THAT mix!
Woke up a wee bit late this morning which meant that all spaces in the works multi-storey carpark were full, requiring me to find the overflow car park which I have never used before…. and it’s 10 minutes before work starts! Buggar!
Thank gawd for the herd instinct, just follow the car in front and hope he isn’t trying to find his way to Skegness. He wasn’t. Unfortunately where we did finally end up, the overflow car park, was a wee bit further than a 10 minute walk from the office. Double-Buggar!
However, the walk from car park to office in the bright crisp morning, listening to The Clash on my iPhone at full tilt was a rare pleasure. I think I may have to do that again!
