Andy's Blog

You know there is one element of performing the subtle and deadly art of karate, and I’m presuming other similar oriental based martial forms, that isn’t much discussed… worse still it t’would seem to only afflict those of us walking around with a spare Y chromosome, which is quite unfair.

I am of course referring to pants, or if you prefer; budgie smugglers, kecks, undercrackers, briefs, shreddies, tightie-whities, Y-fronts, skivvies, banana hammocks…. whatever your word of choice is.

I am imagining those of you who don’t practise the noble art, or have just started on your journey, are looking at this in some perplexion.  Let me explain;

• The Nut Huggers
  These are those pants that keep EVERYTHING down below in place and they are damn well not gonna move.  In everyday use these are perfectly fine, as long as you mind the tiny screams of a million spermola crying out in terror and then permanently silenced.

You will probably be feeling rather smug with yourself whilst doing warm-ups in the dojo.  The ‘boys’ are staying in place and there’s none of that painful wandering around as you leap around before the proper karate starts.

However, dear uninitiated one, fear the call of “Zenkutsu dachi, KAMAE”!  It is at this point as your leg moves swiftly behind you, one shoulder width wide and two shoulder widths long, that your ear drums gain a pair of testicles.

• Born Free
  Your crown jewels were never meant to be caged up and  you feel duty bound to set the ‘boys’ free to wander whence they please.  A little tear comes to your eye as you envision them frolicking unbound in the virtual Serengeti that is your baggies.

Clackety clack!

Start the warming up procedure at the beginning of class and things will VERY quickly change for you.  That little tear of joy that came unbidden to your eye earlier will become tears of another sort as your plums turn into castanets… especially when Sensei calls out “Stepping… STRETCH IT OUT”!

…and as one of my friends, @plognark, pointed out on twitter; “Doing a side kick with your testicles stuck down one leg is a unique agony”.

I find a good pair  of “trunks” does the job just fine for me, just enough embrace to keep the man tonsils in check but not too much to choke the poor devils.

Of course the design of these I leave to your own personal tastes as this has no bearing on your pursuit of karate excellentness.  I have however seen them in Batman flavour and if I ever find some Honk Kong Phooey themed panties I will be *ALL* over them – I have a feeling my karate will be taken to a whole new level of awesomeness with those bad boys on!

Anyways that’s my number one tip in your pursuit of Black Belt godliness, find a good pair of pants and buy LOTS of them just in case..  let’s just keep this lesson between ourselves though eh?  Just think of the huge advantage you’ll have over your sparring partner as you stand there in the warm comforting embrace of your kecks as your opponent plays some flamenco passo doble with their undercarriage.

HAJIME!!

Goddamit, one post at the beginning of this month and I am now only just starting to think of another post at the arse end of the month.  Well that’s not entirely true, there was a post in progress somewhere near the middle which never saw the light of day for various reasons; the primary being it was rubbish.

Of course I still can’t think of anything to write although a lots gone on;

• The chance to see, chat, laugh, drink and celebrate with Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Nephews, Nieces, Cousins, even the ever-itchy footed one, Aunts and Uncles down in Andover for the wedding of my cousin Josie.
• Round two of the GKR Inter-Dojo Drinkie-Poo’s, with its tagline of “be there or be sober!”
• Sun, sun and yet more sun.  Seriously it’s been sunny here!
• Hospital visits and probes.
• ….and probably a few more things that I can’t remember right at this moment.  Maybe I should write these things down?

For some reason, and it was badly written in the unpublished post, I still feel slightly “empty” this month.  The feeling that something is slightly out of your reach and no matter how much you strive for it, it is just that wee bit quicker than what you are.  It’s not always something that tangible either.

The unpublished post was titled “Well I wish I was…” which was a slightly ironic title based on a mucky song that my dad had on a vinyl record back when I was a young whipper-snapper.  The song’s a bit whimsical and British sea-side postcard humour’ish, but the sentiment was what stuck.  I’m not going to attempt to re-iterate what was in there as I couldn’t finish that one, and I want to at least get something posted before the end of this month!

Not entirely sure there’s a point to this post, but I shall attempt to bring my head back to the here-and-now and focus on some personal milestones that are coming up far quicker than I can entirely grasp.  May and June *could* be momentous times in my development and I need to get my shite together, as a friend once eloquently put it.

I can’t help who I am, but I can do something about what I want to be…. maybe.

Laters…

He was a new student but with an impressive amount of previous martial arts experience; 3rd kyu shotokan, 2nd kup Taekwondo and a large amount of Kickboxing whilst in the army.

I, was nervous.

There is always a little part of you, despite all the attempts at being “humble” that Sensei tries to beat instill into you, that wonders how well the karate you’ve spent years trying to perfect would fare against another martial art.

Curiosity got the better of me, that and he was all up for a little light sparring… I also, of course, had to assess what these extra skills, he was bringing into the dojo, would mean for the other students once he started sparring them.

Bloody hell he was fast!  Low stance with fists as you would see a boxer pose with.  Concentrate on the fists, I’ve sparred boxers before, and *POW* a smarting kick to the shins… not a sweep as I thought he was trying but a full on stumble-in-the-dark-shinning-the-coffee-table wallop.  OK, hang back defend only and assess his attacks.

Round kick to the hip, surprisingly low but easily blocked.  *shin smack* Round kick to the ribs, bloody fast, Ooof! *shin smack* Further kicks to the ribs blocked.  He then proceeds to go backwards in long forward stance and strike, leading in with his shoulders, which is both easily blocked and seems very ineffective.  *shin smack* Round elbow strike to the chest.. wasn’t expecting that.. that’ll smart for a *shin smack* while.   All further attempts at that little move were blocked and I had to smile a little bit at his surprised expression when I clip him round the ear, from behind..

Seems that some of the footwork practise is filtering through my dense skull and *IS* actually worth the layer of skin that I usually leave behind in the dojo.

*shin smack*, *shin smack*, *shin FECKIN’ smack*, WILL YOU STOP HAMMERING AWAY AT MY SHIN LIKE SOME LOVESICK OVER-SEXED STILL-GOT-HIS-GONADS MUTLEY!?

Now to be fair I am not entirely sure what his skill levels with all three of his martial arts actually are, and it has been a little while since he last “practised” the aforementioned arts, but I think the karate held up pretty good against the barrage.  To be sure I have a smarting chest bone and my legs feel like they’ve been abused by a LOT of coffee tables, but still got a fair amount of kicks n’ strikes of my own in, whilst blocking a large amount of the attacks.

Before you ask this is not a “Karate is better than <insert-other-martial-art>” post.  Each discipline has it’s strengths/weaknesses and I don’t actually believe one is better, or worse, than any other – it’s just what suits you, as long you do at least one… this is more about wondering whether I was up to the challenge.

Now, if you don’t mind, I am off to smear my legs with liberal amounts of Arnica and no longer wonder what it would feel like to tease a vicious four year old…

Beer, pizza, mindless violence, hyper-active kids, cider, karate, mad dashes across Northamptonshire, troubleshooting wireless access points, kung-fu in a film with karate in the title, pill popping, weak-ass shower switching between nut-shrivellingly-cold and skin-searingly-hot, missing a birthday party, talking-about-love-n-life, kiddies roller disco party, tea, more tea, COFFEE, fighting, laughing, Iron Maiden, bruises, yoda, young love, old friends, full english breakfast, kids up till 3am, Jackie Chan overload, grading, teasing, expectations, throwing up, winding down, blogging, snoozing…

How was your weekend?

As is usual for this time of year I have drunk and eaten far too much.  Obviously it’s everybody else’s fault though, I mean if they feel the need to provide me with a quarter ton of confectionery delights then it’s only polite to consume them.

Of course the descent into consumption hell means a heck of a climb back out.. and this year, if all goes well, is an important one and one I need to be at my top form for.

That's me that is

So the coming New Years bash will be something of a blow-out as I plan to drop a fair number of kilos and hit the weights in an aggressive manner come 2011, or at least that’s the plan.

So until then, I bid you a very Happy New Year / Blianadh Bha Ur.

However one thing that has been a constant throughout is the joy at teaching a group of awesome people karate, especially seeing them grow in skill and confidence, as well as progressing through their belts.

To make an outstanding dojo doesn’t just require a good Sensei, not that I class myself anything other than OK, but also an outstanding bunch of people who give both 100% of themselves and their characters to make the dojo a friendly place to train in.. and I have the pleasure of having such students *and* Sempai’s.

There are parts of this year I will try and forget pretty quickly, and I hope will not haunt me next year, however the absolute blast I have had teaching at both Corby and Irthlingborough is not one of those.

The last karate classes taught for 2010 have just been completed and not a bigger laugh could be had.  To any students reading this; Guys, it has been an ABSOLUTE pleasure teaching you and I look forward to 2011 …I will also always have this picture which makes me laugh insanely *every* time I look at it (click on it for a larger version)!

Not firing at one hundred percent at the moment, which is really rather annoying.

It’s always said that the things that matter most are hard won but easily lost, and this seems to be happening somewhat frequently… with only one thing constant; yours truly.  So the blame seems to lie in one place only and am not entirely sure what to do about that.

In the meantime the goal of nearly 5 years hard, and sometimes frustrating, work is starting to look like it may be achievable.

Nothing is ever guaranteed, of course, but as Lao Tzu wrote; “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step”.  So time to put one, solitary, foot in front of the other and see whether this now personal journey gets me to where I want to go..

..minus those hard won and easily lost.

As mentioned in a previous blog post the sparring that’s required to progress as a sensei  can be brutal, but is something you feel cheated out of when not given a pasting around the dojo.  Personally, when in these sparring sessions with my Sensei, I only have two milestones on which I try and judge my progress;

1. To try and block more kicks and punches than actually land.
2. To make sensei sweat, at least just a little bit, for all the blood he’s about to extract from my tortured body.

Unfortunately after a little while you tend to lose count of how many punches and kicks you *have* blocked as the ones you *didn’t* take up slightly more of your attention… or start to make you lose attention… and consciousness!  However I do think I saw a hint of a bead of sweat on Sensei’s forehead after our bout, just a hint mind.

I shall take some solace in the fact that his hands and feet must have been slightly irritated from all the repeated impacts on the facial bum-fluff I call a beard.

Update: Sometimes writing in the dead of night makes for piss poor prose and something that maybe could have been written a little better.  The last couple of paragraphs took an eternity to write and even then I wasn’t entirely convinced that what I had written put over what I was trying to…

Next time, wait until a more ‘godly’ hour…

My arms ache.  The back of my thighs ache.  My shoulders aren’t feeling too grand either.  Even my damned eyes are feeling a little peeky!   Essentially easy tasks, like going up stairs, now seem to have taken on epic journey status.

Add to the above list of bodily whinings; my Gi seems to have developed sentience, through the shear amount of DNA sweated into it, and is at this moment in time hatching a cunning plan, with my sparring gear, to escape from my karate bag.

..there is also the very distinct possibility that a number of people have a sneakily taken picture of my nads, in an effort to prove or disprove an old Scottish custom.

Welcome to my first Blackbelt Leadership Conference.  To try and put down into words what I learnt at the conference is just not possible, or needs a lot more space than I am physically able to provide… I did mention about my aching arms didn’t I?

Let’s just say having two days of being in a room full of black belts, of a dizzying array of dans, being taught by Kancho was terrifying and I still haven’t managed to stop grinning yet!  That despite me losing more sweat than is probably healthy and is currently causing the washing machine all kinds of headaches at the moment.

What made the weekend that more special, other than the excellent karate, was the other lessons learnt.  Namely;

• Boom-shakalaka is a power word  …I am still trying to understand *what* a power word is, but I now know what one sounds like.
• All that looks like stone is not necessarily so.
• Mint and Pea should never, and I repeat NEVER, have unprotected sex and leave their prodigy in my soup bowl ever again.
• That the sentence “..let yourself go and feel yourself release” should be a lot more qualified when trying to hypnotise a roomful of black belts; the air extraction units had some trouble dealing with this “release”.
• The smells and tastes forced upon us in childhood have a profound impact on our adulthood; one person’s tinned new potatoes is another persons gristle-laden lamb  (…this is probably the deepest I will get in this blog post!)
• All that looks like chocolate cake is not necessarily so.
• Trying to find a witty retort, or any retort, to someone’s breakfast admission that they were complimented on the pinkness of their anus is really a lot harder than you can imagine.  Just…. don’t go there.
• “Going behind the bushes” had a different connotation when I was younger… boy did I come down to earth with a bump!
• Somebody’s birthday present, next year, will physically bring a tear to their eye… and a look of horror to anyone who witnesses it.
• Wedding guests have THE longest orgy ever… that or the people in the hotel room next to mine were just loudly agreeing with each other and never actually arriving anywhere.

I’m not sure I will get invited to the conference next year, but I bloody well hope so.  It was a real highlight of the year and awe inspiring to watch the higher grades do karate as it’s meant to be done, and watching Sensei get some rich reward for the work he’s put into the region.

..however, for me now I have a date with a so-hot-it’ll-sear-your-skin-off bath and a bed where I don’t have to listen to people humping.  Toodle-pip!

I’ve been away in sunnier climes these past three weeks, and that will be my standing excuse for the lack of any postings on this site recently – you may find that I’m able to make these excuses on an as-required basis throughout this blog; the only constant being my inability to get the wordsmithing juices flowing at a constant rate… that or a mind numbingly boring life!

…actually I fear it’s a combination of the two!

Anyhoo, beginning of a new week and my first senior karate class has just been completed and I’ve received my first black mark on my belt.  Of course ‘completed’ is a subjective term; survived is another one that could be used just as well.

Karate is something that you need to keep plugging away at every week, so even a small time away and you feel horribly uncoordinated. Arms, legs and various other appendages were waggled during the class, sometimes even when they were supposed to!

..oh and the black mark?  Just an indication of some progress in my karate – so a good thing!  Quite how I got it, given the unwieldy state of my moves yesterday, is somewhat beyond me; there’s a *lot* of things that need improving, kicks being chief among them.  I think I may need to impart some of my hard earned cash (‘hard earned’ also being another of those subjective terms) into purchasing one of those mechanical devices for improving ones flexibility.

That's it... a bit more!

Onwards and upwards as I keep saying… and outwards, possibly, as well.