Not entirely sure why “here” has decided that we’ve been having it all entirely too easy, but the daily showering routine can be summarised as;
1. Enter ridiculously small shower cubicle.
2. Confidently twiddle with shower controls. Alternate between “drooling” and something that a Northern Irish policeman would be proud of during marching season.
3. Accept fate and go with semi-cold dribble.
4. Utilise shower gel and shampoo that’s been scientifically researched, finely tuned to our special requirements and sensitive nature. Accept that whatever herbal name is printed on the bottle, it will smell of fly spray.
5. Suds Up!
6. Turn around and accidentally turn off the shower with arse, scrabble around for control whilst shampoo blinded (yes I do still use shampoo) and turn shower back into riot control mode. Try to control that and shower curtain starts getting all intimate. Unsuccessfully control shower curtain and drop shower gel, attempt to pick that up and bang head on wall whilst shower curtain visits a place no object should EVER visit.
7. Violently twist away from curtain and yelp when nether regions and shower control high-five each other. Shower turns to freezing violence again.
8. Add new and exciting phrases to the Anglo-Saxon lexicon. Retreat.
9. Accept defeat and resort to plan B…