Andy's Blog

You know there is one element of performing the subtle and deadly art of karate, and I’m presuming other similar oriental based martial forms, that isn’t much discussed… worse still it t’would seem to only afflict those of us walking around with a spare Y chromosome, which is quite unfair.

I am of course referring to pants, or if you prefer; budgie smugglers, kecks, undercrackers, briefs, shreddies, tightie-whities, Y-fronts, skivvies, banana hammocks…. whatever your word of choice is.

I am imagining those of you who don’t practise the noble art, or have just started on your journey, are looking at this in some perplexion.  Let me explain;

• The Nut Huggers
  These are those pants that keep EVERYTHING down below in place and they are damn well not gonna move.  In everyday use these are perfectly fine, as long as you mind the tiny screams of a million spermola crying out in terror and then permanently silenced.

You will probably be feeling rather smug with yourself whilst doing warm-ups in the dojo.  The ‘boys’ are staying in place and there’s none of that painful wandering around as you leap around before the proper karate starts.

However, dear uninitiated one, fear the call of “Zenkutsu dachi, KAMAE”!  It is at this point as your leg moves swiftly behind you, one shoulder width wide and two shoulder widths long, that your ear drums gain a pair of testicles.

• Born Free
  Your crown jewels were never meant to be caged up and  you feel duty bound to set the ‘boys’ free to wander whence they please.  A little tear comes to your eye as you envision them frolicking unbound in the virtual Serengeti that is your baggies.

Clackety clack!

Start the warming up procedure at the beginning of class and things will VERY quickly change for you.  That little tear of joy that came unbidden to your eye earlier will become tears of another sort as your plums turn into castanets… especially when Sensei calls out “Stepping… STRETCH IT OUT”!

…and as one of my friends, @plognark, pointed out on twitter; “Doing a side kick with your testicles stuck down one leg is a unique agony”.

I find a good pair  of “trunks” does the job just fine for me, just enough embrace to keep the man tonsils in check but not too much to choke the poor devils.

Of course the design of these I leave to your own personal tastes as this has no bearing on your pursuit of karate excellentness.  I have however seen them in Batman flavour and if I ever find some Honk Kong Phooey themed panties I will be *ALL* over them – I have a feeling my karate will be taken to a whole new level of awesomeness with those bad boys on!

Anyways that’s my number one tip in your pursuit of Black Belt godliness, find a good pair of pants and buy LOTS of them just in case..  let’s just keep this lesson between ourselves though eh?  Just think of the huge advantage you’ll have over your sparring partner as you stand there in the warm comforting embrace of your kecks as your opponent plays some flamenco passo doble with their undercarriage.

HAJIME!!