Andy's Blog

Julie McKinnon was the unrequited love of my teenage years.  Long blonde hair, legs that seemed to stretch forever (and the fashion back in the 80′s was for tight jeans!), and killer looks. *Sigh*… give me a moment.

…just a little longer

OK, back again.

Unfortunately back then I was a bigger Muppet than I am now, hard to believe I know, and my body would do its very best to make me look as idiotic as possible whenever she approached;

• Remove all fluids from mouth?  Check!
• Rush of blood to the facial area?  Check!
• Independently sprung limbs?  Check!
• Brain cells evacuated through ears?  Check!
• Sudden growth spurt on chin hair to enforce that ‘Shaggy from Scooby Doo’ look?  Check!
• Zits?  Check, check and for good measure, check!

Yeah, as you can imagine I was HUGELY popular with the ladies when I was younger, especially with that little gamut of reactions – it was almost Adrian Mole‘ish!  The end point being that I never did get the nerve to ask the delightful Julie out.

The point of all this?  Only a salutary tale for a certain younger member of my readership that your first steps into, and out of, affairs of the heart can sometimes be strewn with cowpats from the devil’s own satanic herd.

Unfortunately it doesn’t always get easier when you grow up, but as the old adage goes “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have tried and wonder what if”… or something like that.

I feel all old and wise now… well maybe not wise, but certainly old… and flatulent.. I think I’ve just described myself as Yoda?

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
~ Woody Allen

My life would look sooooo much more interesting, than it is in real life, if some stranger were ever to read the texts on my phone and assume the rest of my life was the same.

In my text life I am, well quite frankly, some form of sexual god or at least a successful perv… which is somewhat worrying.  To date I am;

1. A sexy woman’s “first man”
2. Able to call favours upon another young woman, although to be fair there was some very specific small print in that text.
3. The recipient of updates regarding the state of dress, or lack thereof, of some bloke stuck on the M25.  Dave, please, stop!
4. ..and who can forget the offer of some fun in the car park!

Unfortunately, or fortunately in the case of item 3, there were no pictures attached to any of these.  It also has to be said that had I not deleted some texts before and after these specific ones, the context of the above may be somewhat different to the way they are read individually …apart from item 3!   Seriously! Dave!

Finally if that imagined person who is reading my texts didn’t know what a Sensei was, there are some serious inbreeding issues in certain parts of Northampton town, then my texts could read like me being some EXTREMELY busy prostitute reporting back to my pimp.  The mind boggles as to what stock I’m buying for that little venture then!

Ah well, unless you see me hanging around street corners in a natty little skirt, which has been known… the skirt wearing that is… well kilt… HONESTLY IT’S A KILT!  …then just assume that my normal hum-drum life is still nowhere as exciting as my textual one :-/

Although one can but dream.

Keeping your guard up is almost one of the first things you learn in karate.  I probably extend this further than was originally anticipated although the physical aspect of this seems to escape me as Sensei readjusts mine yet again…. and again.

Despite the very few, who however good your guard is just seem to poke, punch and jab at your vulnerable areas, the guard remains and protects.  Letting it drop shows how scared you really are, and that’s just not the done thing.. not that I ever admitted to being the smartest biscuit in the barrel.

.oO( I am not entirely sure what type of biscuit I would be if I had to choose one, but there is unanimous consensus that the Chocolate Hobnob is the undisputed king of biccies! )

I digress.

Advancing a stage seems to bring with it a host of new experiences, things to overcome and a whole world of unique pain.  Sitting down, standing up, lying down, strike a stance, perform a kata, slouch on the floor… all are accompanied by some part of your body wanting to gain your attention in as startling a way as possible.

…but the guard remains.

“When the tides of life turn against you and the current upsets your boat, don’t waste those tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float.”
- Anon

It’s wet and muggy today, and the end to another long karate weekend.  Come a grading weekend I never seem to be out of the Gi much, what with teaching on a Saturday morning and Grading on Sunday afternoon, there’s precious little for anything else apart from hitting the sack.

Celebrating an engagement, at least for a little while, was a nice exclamation point to the week and breather before the weekend in white pyjamas began …although once the crazy gang arrived it gave me the chance to slip await quietly.

Grading is a full on exercise for the students and the mugginess just acts to put them under that extra bit of pressure; it’s hard to give 100% when the very air you breath seems to be be doing everything it can to not reach your lungs.

Unfortunately all this makes for a ‘flat’ kumite session, the students just too shattered to put up much of a fight.. I even had to practically chase one potential red belt around the dojo to get him to spar me.  I’m really not that scary!

However what makes your day is seeing a little 6 year old girl giving it her all to achieve that next belt.  Despite the mugginess, despite always seeming to be the smallest in the room, despite the tears of frustration when she ‘perceives’ she can’t do quite what you ask of them,  and repeating this at least 5-6 times a week,  still doesn’t give up and puts everything she has to gain that next milestone…

Kinda makes you a little embarrassed at the navel gazing you let yourself indulge in every so often.  Thankfully nobody was looking too closely at me as she ran up to get her shiny new red built and certificate, I do have a reputation to maintain… or at least I like to think I have one.

Well done Georgie!

Well apparently my last post was a “little too much information” for some people, and I have the sore ear to prove this, although I think it still serves as a good reference point for all budding future male karate do practitioners… go figure!

That apart I have the uncomfortable feeling that I really haven’t moved any further forward from where I was a few weeks back, I may have even moved backwards on a few items, which is a buggarage and all of which is making me even less fun company to be with than usual.

Introspection is all well and good for a hormone overdosed teenager, who feels the whole world is against them, but for a forty *cough* year old it can be a little ridiculous, but here we are.  Turn up, do what’s expected of you; smile, laugh, practise, teach, drink, chat …. leave quietly.   All without actually being there in mind or spirit.

I am missing not having a motorbike at the moment, taking very long, very fast rides to nowhere.  In my mispent youthdom, when in the same type of mood (when it wasn’t a ridiculous age to be as introspective) this was my favourite form of escape… at least for a little while.

Now I have a blog, a large music collection and a hidy-hole where I can be anti-social to my heart’s content.  I think that’s progress?

……also I do worry that Creed, 3 Doors Down, Daughtry, Theory Of A Deadman, Seether and Stone Sour are not the sort of tunes to help my teenage regression… but DAMN! There’s some damn fine lyrics in there and is at least helping me to figure out some future blog post titles.

You know there is one element of performing the subtle and deadly art of karate, and I’m presuming other similar oriental based martial forms, that isn’t much discussed… worse still it t’would seem to only afflict those of us walking around with a spare Y chromosome, which is quite unfair.

I am of course referring to pants, or if you prefer; budgie smugglers, kecks, undercrackers, briefs, shreddies, tightie-whities, Y-fronts, skivvies, banana hammocks…. whatever your word of choice is.

I am imagining those of you who don’t practise the noble art, or have just started on your journey, are looking at this in some perplexion.  Let me explain;

• The Nut Huggers
  These are those pants that keep EVERYTHING down below in place and they are damn well not gonna move.  In everyday use these are perfectly fine, as long as you mind the tiny screams of a million spermola crying out in terror and then permanently silenced.

You will probably be feeling rather smug with yourself whilst doing warm-ups in the dojo.  The ‘boys’ are staying in place and there’s none of that painful wandering around as you leap around before the proper karate starts.

However, dear uninitiated one, fear the call of “Zenkutsu dachi, KAMAE”!  It is at this point as your leg moves swiftly behind you, one shoulder width wide and two shoulder widths long, that your ear drums gain a pair of testicles.

• Born Free
  Your crown jewels were never meant to be caged up and  you feel duty bound to set the ‘boys’ free to wander whence they please.  A little tear comes to your eye as you envision them frolicking unbound in the virtual Serengeti that is your baggies.

Clackety clack!

Start the warming up procedure at the beginning of class and things will VERY quickly change for you.  That little tear of joy that came unbidden to your eye earlier will become tears of another sort as your plums turn into castanets… especially when Sensei calls out “Stepping… STRETCH IT OUT”!

…and as one of my friends, @plognark, pointed out on twitter; “Doing a side kick with your testicles stuck down one leg is a unique agony”.

I find a good pair  of “trunks” does the job just fine for me, just enough embrace to keep the man tonsils in check but not too much to choke the poor devils.

Of course the design of these I leave to your own personal tastes as this has no bearing on your pursuit of karate excellentness.  I have however seen them in Batman flavour and if I ever find some Honk Kong Phooey themed panties I will be *ALL* over them – I have a feeling my karate will be taken to a whole new level of awesomeness with those bad boys on!

Anyways that’s my number one tip in your pursuit of Black Belt godliness, find a good pair of pants and buy LOTS of them just in case..  let’s just keep this lesson between ourselves though eh?  Just think of the huge advantage you’ll have over your sparring partner as you stand there in the warm comforting embrace of your kecks as your opponent plays some flamenco passo doble with their undercarriage.

HAJIME!!