Somewhat in the same vein as my ‘8 beginner tips for Yoga‘, I bring you 10 gym warnings for the unwary. These have been gathered from my daily visits to the gymnasium in a desperate bid to develop a muscle.
- There will always be somebody there bigger than you, trying to keep up with their regime will only result in arms that ache so much that you can’t lift your cup of tea at work an hour later.
- There will always be somebody smaller than you, and perversely they too are able to lift more than you. Stick with your exercise regime and do *NOT* attempt what they just did… Nothing hits your self respect quite like whimpering for help as you try not to strangle yourself under a heavy bar.
- There will always be a ‘fat-sweaty-bloke’ present whilst you exercise, whose sole job is to precede you on all equipment to cover it in a fine fragrant musk.
- Laughing at the guys gurning as they lift heavy weights is NOT acceptable behaviour and can be hazardous to your health. (In a related note: do not attempt to look at your own face as you lift your more modest weights… it’s doing the same THING!!)
- Parading or posing in front of the mirrors flexing your ‘muscles’ is acceptable practise, up until the point when somebody who actually does have muscles notices you.
- No matter how big you are; strutting your stuff around the ladies section of the gym, in a faux attempt at getting water, makes you a cock…. in every sense of the word.
- The amount of attention you attract is in direct correlation to the amount of wind you break and the attempts you make to try and maneuver said weights onto your chest and into your lap, after a major “uh-oh” failure in anticipating how heavy the actual weights are. (See #1 and #2 for more understanding of this point).
- No matter which shower cubicle you walk into, and regardless of the colour of the shower gel provided, it will always be ‘essence of coconut’ and make you come out smelling like a macaroon.
- Using the hairdryer to dry your hair is fine, using it under your armpits is a little weird, using it to blow dry your pubic hair down below is downright freaky!
- Finally… Walking into the changing rooms to be confronted by the rear-end of fat-sweaty-bloke in all his naked glory, one leg up on a changing bench, throwing liberal amounts of talcum powder between the cheeks of his but-tocks does give you pause to wonder why you got up at this obscene hour and punish yourself in this way.
All of the above has either been noticed, witnessed or done by myself – i’ll leave it to your overactive imaginations as to which ones which.
Further rules can be found here, please add your own comments as to any other warnings/rules/observations I may have missed.