Andy's Blog

That's me that is!

In an attempt to get myself vaguely more ‘flexible’, all in the interest of better karate you depraved lot, it was decided, along with a friend, to give yoga a twirl.  There was a lesson the next day, at about the right time, so why the heck not?

The following rules are for people who are just beginning their yoga journey, from two people who have just learnt these very important lessons;

1. Do not, I repeat NOT, scream in horror when you walk into a dimly lit room and see the floor full of old people laid out on mats.  It is not a mortuary, it is the initiated resting their karma before the yoga starts.
2. Poetry read by an instructor with a speech impediment is not a source of suppressed giggles and a reason for raising your eyes heavenwards.
3. Do NOTunder any circumstances look at the person you joined the yoga class with during the lesson.  Getting the giggles as you see the other person maintaining their ‘cosmic cat’ stance is seen as bad karma and not necessarily in the spirit of yoga’dom.
4. If at all possible try not looking at yourself in the mirror during the class, for same reasons as above.
5. The poses ‘Cosmic Cat’, ‘Locust’, ‘Warrior’, ‘Downward Facing Dog’ and the ‘using-your-arms-as-some kind-of -opening-flower’, fill your being with inner  peace and bring out your joyful, lovable self.  They do NOTmake you feel like some kind of leg raising eejit.  Keep reminding yourself of this as you go through the poses…. repeatedly… whilst being mindful of tips #3 & #4
6. During relaxation time, at the end of the lesson, with your eyes closed and ‘listening to your body’, remind yourself that the other noise you can hear is NOTsomebody snoring and reason for you to suppress a grin and shake with the ‘suppressed giggles’ mentioned in tip #2
7. Remember to have a pee BEFOREthe instructor takes you on a metaphysical journey along a babbling brook and towards the waterfall, this stops you going cross-eyed and scattering grannies as you rush to the toilet after the class.
8. Laughing at your colleagues face as she gets chatted up by the afore-mentioned speech impedimented instructor can seriously damage your health!

Following these simple, profound, tips will ensure that you have a happy and life fulfilling trip into the wonderful world of yoga, and as mentioned before bring out the joyful and lovable self in you.